Benjamin Rush completion essay

First I want to thank everyone that helped me in any way with Benjamin Rush. I couldn't have done it without you and I'm very thankful for all the opportunities the program opened up for me. Thanks for all that you did. A completion essay was on of the requirements for the program so I thought I'd let you read it so you could see what I learned from the program. So here it is. =)

Being involved in GenJ is great because it reminds me that even kids can do great things. 1 Timothy 4:12 says, “Don’t let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith, and in purity.” By being involved in the Benjamin Rush program, I was really able to live out that verse. I am young, but I don’t have to sit by and apathetically watch America fall apart. I can’t vote, but I can encourage others to vote and teach them how to vote responsibly. I am young, but I can make a difference. I learned that simple truth through the Benjamin Rush Awards Program.

Ben Rush has different levels of involvement, but I believe all of them are important. Though the civics courses don’t require any more than a desire to learn, they are crucial. You cannot work to get America back to what it was meant to be until you know and understand what her founders intended for her to be. Studying America’s Founding Fathers showed me just how far America has fallen, but it also gave me hope of what this nation can become. The civics courses taught me that political activism is pointless if you have no goal for what your work will achieve.

If political activism were a ladder, writing letters would be the next rung. I’d never let anyone besides friends and family see anything I had written. So the idea of sending a letter to the editor, where there is a chance it will get published and “everyone” will see it, terrified me. But it was nothing compared to the fear I had of sending my ‘insignificant’ thoughts to someone important like my representatives. I learned that things are generally much worse in your imagination than they are in reality.

One part of being civically involved that I had never thought much about in the past is encouraging others toward similar involvement. As I talked to friends, trying to convince them to join GenJ, I was forced to stop and think about why I was doing what I was doing. This strengthened my success because what I did became motivated by convictions. Luke 16:10 says, “Whoever can be trusted with very little can also be trusted with much”. God gave me the courage to speak to my friends about GenJ and the importance of being civically involved. Then He did something big. On tax day, when TEA parties formed all over the country, I got the opportunity to speak at one with about 250 people in attendance. Public speaking was something I’d NEVER done before. But as always, God showed Himself to be faithful and gave me the strength to get through it, and 250 people heard about GenJ.

This 1^st time of public speaking lead to other opportunities to grow and each time God gave me the courage to do what I’d never done before. As is usual with God, it started small and expanded. Being elected the first president of the newest club in Indiana terrified me yet exhilarated me. Being the first time I’ve lead anything, it’s been a huge learning experience. I’ve learned a lot about leadership, diplomacy, and motivating apathetic people. All of this has only prepared me for greater things. It was through my club that I had the privilege of moderating a Health Care Forum and working toward community education. Each of these experiences laid the groundwork for my decision to run for office at GenJ’s summer camp where I learned more than I thought possible in one week about the workings of our government.

Those I meet in my everyday life are not the only ones who don’t know about GenJ. In meeting with representatives, I had the opportunity to represent GenJ as I shared my views on current political issues. If there is one thing that makes more impact than others, this would be it. Politicians don’t expect kids to pay attention to or care about politics. Those that do care aren’t expected to do anything about it. Those that do get involved aren’t expected to be able to express themselves coherently. I discovered that when a teenager takes the time to talk to their representatives, and does so in an educated manner, those representatives really listen.

I can’t vote, but I can make a difference! That’s something I’ve told myself over and over as I’ve tried to assess the value of my actions. I feel like I’ve had the biggest impact while volunteering through the Student Actions Teams. By the time election week comes, campaign staff are exhausted. When a group of energetic kids comes in and makes phone calls and does literature drops, it takes a lot of pressure off them. The work we do on the SAT is easy and therefore seems like it’s not a big deal, but it is a big deal to those we are helping. When you see a campaign manager filled with energizing gratitude for the work you’ve done, you know you’ve made a difference and you are greeted with the satisfaction that only comes from a job well done. Being involved in the SATs is one of the best things I’ve ever done.

From civics courses to volunteer work, Ben Rush has been a great experience. I’ve learned so much about what God can do through me when I allow myself to come out of my comfort zone. Being civically involved is so important, but it’s useless if you are simply going through the motions. You must have convictions driving you; you must know why you do what you do; and if it’s not ALL for the Glory of God, you are better off sitting at home apathetically.

My life might be too busy. =P

It's been ages since I've posted due to business. I feel like I've been going none-stop from one activity to another. I'm going to do my best to recap the last few months so this post may get long.

The summer was essentially uneventful until July 26th. For those who don't know, that was the day GenJ camp started. <3 So as to not fill this entire post with camp details (for it would take an entire post) I will make a separate post about my week at camp later. I'll just say here that if you're a GenJer and you've never been to camp, you should go next year. It was honestly the best week of my entire life.

The week following camp, soccer started. Now, as many of you know, I'm some-what of a klutz. Especially when it comes to sports so this being my first year of ever playing soccer, it's been VERY humbling/humiliating. Learn from my mistakes and don't try to start sports at 16. Start younger and save yourself a lot of humiliation. Aside from feeling like an idiot it's been a lot of fun. And a lot of work. Sometimes I feel like all I hear is "Melody, be more agressive!" See, when someone (esspeciall someone larger than myself) comes my way with the ball, rather than try to take the ball, I have a horrid tendencey to back away. Agression is something I really need to work on.

Shortly aftet soccer started, school followed suit. I was under the impression that during the first few weeks of this year, I'd get to study Machiavelli's, The Prince, and Leviathan by Thomas Hobbes. But it turned out I was sadly wrong. Instead I'm lerning about Machiavelli and Hobbes and the History surrounding their lives and leading them to write these works. So it's kind of disapointing. If I weren't so busy I'd do it on my own time. I'm excited about the next couple weeks of school though. I'll be studying the Magna Carta, Excerpts from the Petition of Rights (Addressed to King Charles), and the English Bill of Rights. It'll be awesome!!! I've always wanted to study the Magna Cara and the others are just bonuses. Don't worry, I'll most likely post my thoughts on all of them once I'm done. (I know, I know, I'm not supposed to get this excited about school. Shoot me! =P )

A little while after school started, Sign Language started. I'm taking the beginning sign language class at a local college. The prophesser is the daughter of deaf parents so since she grew up signing, she is definitely qualified to teach. But she has a tendencey to ramble on about past experiences and then we don't have time to get to things... like... homework(consisting of signing in front of the class) xD I've really liked sign language for about seven years(since John was born) so it's really exciting getting to learn from a real person(signs depected in books are often hard to decifer).

Teens for Liberty, the local GenJ club is really doing well. We just started in April and already we've gotten chances to be involved Last month we held a health care forum, inviting local doctors to come and speak about the effects the Health Care Bill will have on them and their patients. It was a great way to educate ourselves as a club, as well as educate the community.
This month we are going to speak with Nancy Michael, a state representative and hopefully give her a good inpression of homeschooling since we're pretty sure this could be her first time really encountering homeschoolers.
The club has a website now! It's brandnew so it pretty much doesn't have anything on it yet, but I'm excited about it anyway. I've been working on getting things together for it and hopefully it will soon have more on it.
I'm also working on getting more of the club interested in going on the VA Student Action Team.
If you've never been the president of a club, I encourage you to try it sometime. It's a huge growing experience. I never knew there could be so much behind the scenes stuff that must be done right in order for the stuff that shows to fall into place. It can be sressful at times, but it's stretching me and I love it, even if sometimes I do want to just pull my hair out. =P

On top of all this, I've started my first job. I'm working at Noble Romans and it's a lot of fun. Sometimes very stressful, like last night when the drain in the kitchen wouldn't drain and it smelled like a sewer and we couldn't wash any of the dishes. =P But I also just got trained on cash register yesterday so that was cool. I'm really excited about having a job because basically, this is a chance at possibly making college a reality. =)

So that's been my life... it actually sounds a lot less busy just writing it out than it feels doing all of that. Oh well, it's nice to FINALLY have a day when I'm not going anywhere so I can give my neglected blog some attention.

My birthday.....

Okay, for starters, I just want to thank all of you for all the prayer. Still feeling very inadequate and got all my insecurities, but overall, I'm doing a lot better. So thanks much!! =)

And, because I'm just weird like that, I'm posting a poem for by birthday (shall talk about my birthday afters) This is just something I wrote that is.... well, I guess about being a women of noble character. I have to admit I kinda think about the idea of marriage a lot so this just came from me wondering if I'll ever be ready to meet a man's needs. It's based on Proverbs 31



Lemuel spoke of the wife that's a jewel
In his words in that proverb filled book.
His mother taught him to not be a fool
When for a wife he did look.

A wife of noble character is hard to find
Her husband trusts her with everything
In her all kinds of value, God did bind
Like merchant ships, food from afar she will bring

She does not sleep as long as the sun
She cares for those in need
she never stops work when what's required is done
The snow of winter she doesn't heed.

Her reward come later in her life
When her children bless her name.
Because she's such a mother and wife
Her husband will do the same.

Her beauty might turn to wrinkles and gray,
But she's praised for the Lord has her fear
Her heart's grown more lovely, since her wedding day.
So her husband treasures her dear.

This is the woman Lemuel spoke of.
To become like her is my prayer
That I'd be so worthy of a husbands love
And have a heart so fair.



Okay, so it's pretty corny, but I actually wrote that back in either December or January and decided to post it for my birthday just because that's what I do. =P

But now that you've suffered through my cheesy poetry you can suffer through my birthday rant. =P

Today started out good. I woke up and was greeted with lots of smiles and hugs. I did some girly primping which I don't always do but felt like doing today..... so my hair actually looks okay today. =P Then I got the cutest pair of shoes from Esther and Abby and a very cute pair of earrings from Beky. Then today became sorta not-so-good. I had to start volleyball today and I've never played before and since I am so bad with sports I was totally dreading it. But I went because I didn't have a choice and made a total fool of myself. Basically, the only thought that went through my head the whole time was, "I'm the only tall person here that doesn't know what she's doing!" And now my arms and hands are totally bruised up. My mom said it looks like I'm a druggie because of the way I bruised. It doesn't look pretty.
I came home and went running with Esther (Yes, me! I went running. Stop staring at me in shock like that. You'd think the idea was preposterous. Okay fine, it kinda is.) But yeah, I've got this new plan to actually get skinny so I've started running. After running I ate a little breakfast(hardly counts as breakfast since it was like 12:30 by that point) Then not too long after that I went to lunch with my mom. (yes I know, that wont help me get skinny eating two meals within and hour and a half of each other.) Then I came home and Joel was home so he gave me his gift. It was Skillet's CD, Comatose! =D=D
Then Esther and I went to the mall because I decided since it's my "sweet 16" and on top of that, my golden birthday, I should go spend some of my birthday money at the Mall. I am in desperate need of some new jeans right now so that's what I went for. BUT, the Mall doesn't believe in girls who are 5' 10.5" with all their height in their legs. And on top of that, even if I decided to just wear my jeans WAY too short, unless I go to a granny store, I'm FAR too fat. I feel like I'm the only girl on the planet that doesn't wear size 5 or smaller.
Needless to say, I'm too fat and too tall. So my trip to the mall ended in me wanting to just die. On the way home I blared my new Skillet CD hoping that it would help. It didn't!
Right now I'm sitting here fighting back tears wishing for all the world I could STOP BEING A FREAK!!!!!! Why is it I have to be the person who gets stuck with freakish height? Why can't I be 5' 2" like every other girl on the planet? I know God had some reason for making me a freak, but why couldn't he include a store that sold long jeans in that plan? I've been laughed at for wearing "high waters" before.... little to people know that I buy pants that on most people would need at least six inches cut off to make them fit. I just want to be normal. The one stinking store in the mall that sells jeans at least close to long enough for me, I can't even afford to look into. I know it's wrong to ask God why, but I've been doing that for the past two hours now.

"my joy has been on holiday and my peace has almost passed away"

Satan is very intelligent. He has many ways of attacking us, but once he finds the most effective one, he uses it almost solely. After all, why bother with less effective tools right? He and I both know that my greatest weakness is my view of myself.

I've always been very much a klutz. This hinders me majorly is sports. Having always been tall, it only made sense that I would try basketball. I played in 4th and 5th grade. My 6+ inch height advantage meant nothing to the coaches. My position on the team was bench warmer, because, well, there's no way around it. I stunk! But I was young enough that it didn't bother me much.

Not too long after this we started getting together with some friends weekly to play soccer. I can't tell you how many hours one of them spent attempting to teach me how to control the ball. Did I ever get better? No way! It got to the point where I simply stood next to the goal so that 1) I'd be out of the way, and 2) whoever was on my team could bounce the ball off my feet into the goal so I could at least be dong something. At least in this instance it was just a few friends getting together and not an official team I was letting down with my clumsiness.

When I got to Junior high, youth group was... well, it was torture. Though I pretended not to, I grew to dread Wednesday night. Being homeschooled, I already fa ed an extra challenge in trying to fit in. Added to that was my lack of any fashion sense what-so-ever (sure I don't dress "fashionably" even now, but I do tend to dress acceptably) The most popular person in youth group was... I guess a two-way tie between my brother Will and Cheryl a *cough* friend of his. =P Do you know what it's like to be 11 years old trying desperately to belong and you are known simply as "Will's sister"? To be expected to uphold his reputation of intelligence and bible knowledge while knowing you will never succeed in doing so? I think junior high is where you begin to truly find yourself, and what I found was an unlikable, unintelligent, untalented nobody.

From that point on Satan has had a hay-day with me. Doing everything possible to build on my insecurities, he whispers lies to me, "Nobody likes you! You have no friends! You're so ugly! You're clothes make you so dorky! Then again, it doesn't matter what you wear, you'll always look terrible! You're a failure! You never succeed! You're a mistake! You're so dumb not even God loves you! You ruin everyone's lives! People would be so much better off if you had never been born!" and on and on.....

I've heard those things for so long, most the time I believe them with all my heart. I created for myself a mask back in junior high. I wore it faithfully, lest anyone see the real me. Covering my insecurities with a fake hyperness that many people believe to be me. But recently, I've begun to fall apart. I used to have depression come and go in phases. Now, I'm pretty much always depressed. I feel like such a failure that I never feel like doing anything since I know I wont succeed in anything I do. I find myself allowing my mind to just empty/blank out and I just stare at something not realizing what I'm doing. Usually only being brought back to reality when someone asks me what's wrong. I then snap out of it and do my best to smile and say, "nothing." I feel as though I'm in the way of everyone. I contemplate suicide a lot, feeling that it will put everyone else out of the misery of knowing me. But I am still here because somewhere in the back of my mind there remains the belief that somehow, some day, I'll come out of this.

I truly believe there is some kind of spiritual battle going on and I fear that Satan is winning. I don't even know why I'm writing this. I know that all of you have far better things to do with your time than reading the mostly incoherent thoughts of a dumb teenage girl. In fact, I highly doubt any of you would even waste time reading this far so it's pointless to continue, but if by chance you are still reading, I need a lot of prayer. One time a friend asked me why I have joy in my name and not in my spirit. Well, I haven't any answer. All I know is that I want it in my spirit. So if you are still reading, would you please please pray that God would remove my hatred for myself and replace it with His joy.

"You will go out in joy and be led forth in peace"

⁸ "For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways,"
declares the LORD.

⁹ "As the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts.

¹⁰ As the rain and the snow
come down from heaven,
and do not return to it
without watering the earth
and making it bud and flourish,
so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater,

¹¹ so is my word that goes out from my mouth:
It will not return to me empty,
but will accomplish what I desire
and achieve the purpose for which I sent it.

¹² You will go out in joy
and be led forth in peace;
the mountains and hills
will burst into song before you,
and all the trees of the field
will clap their hands.

Isaiah 55:8-12

This past Thursday, when the doctors said that my little sister had little chance of living, and that if she did live, there was little chance she'd live without brain damage, a lot of emotions raged within me. I was angry: angry at our family doctor who diagnosed an ear infection and sent her home instead of finding the real problem and taking care of it before it got so bad; angry with God for letting this happen; and angry with myself for not being a better big sister while I had the chance. I was scared: scared that I'd lose my little sister; scared that I'd never forgive God; scared that my mom wouldn't be able to cope. I was jealous of my friends who had healthy little sisters. I was thankful: thankful to God for having a purpose even though I couldn't see it; thankful for all the friends that did their best to comfort me through everything.

When I was feeling all that, I was crying my eyes out. When I stopped crying, I felt nothing. It was as if I was floating in an expanse of nothingness without a single thing/person to comfort me. At times I felt almost unsure I was even alive. I felt nothing but emptiness. Then I'd begin to feel again and the tears would come back. Basically, I was a total wreck.

Those verses from Isaiah were perfect for me. A friend gave them to me and said she'd found them and thought they might help. It's amazing how God shows things to others and directs them to show them to you. He truly is an amazing God. He has a purpose in all that he does, though we may not see, it is perfect

Monday my older sister dressed Beka up, did her nails etc, and she looked so pretty! It was hard to believe how bad she'd looked just a few days before. The sparkle was back in her beautiful large brown eyes, her smile was back to it's bright infectious self. She just looked so alive and so gorgeous!

Beka is home now and doing great. Yesterday she was running around with neighbor kids just like before. You'd never know by looking at her that anything had happened to her except a bruise on her right arm.

She's not the normal kids she looks like though. She will be taking insulin shots for the rest of her life. She has to put up with 4+ finger pricks a day to test her blood sugar. She must be very careful about what she eats, knowing exactly how many carbohydrates are in her food so she can counteract it with insulin. She can't snack whenever she wants unless she wants that means more insulin shots. But she is still a beautiful daughter of the God Most High. He sustained her life when the doctors had little hope to offer. And He will continue to sustain her until He is ready to bring her home to Himself. All is in His hands and on that we rest.

So she's not a normal little kids anymore. She is a girl with a story, a testimony of what the Great God we serve is capable of doing. I pray that I will never forget what He did this past week and that it will ever remind me of why I strive to live my life wholly and solely for Him.

Just an update on my life

It's been ages since I posted and for that I apologize. I've been extremely busy this week and just haven't had time for blogging. But now I'm grabbing a few minutes to attend to my blog because I longer I wait, the more likely it is to just die on me. =P

Most of you who read this know already about my sister Beka, but for those who don't, I'll fill you in. Last week my whole family got sick with really bad colds. Most of us got over them in just a couple days but Beky didn't. She got sick on Friday and when Tuesday she was still really sick, my mom took her to the doctor. He diagnosed an ear infection and sent my mom home with a prescription saying that he can't do anything else until she's been on the prescription for over 24 hours. Wednesday Beky was doing WAY worse but we did as the doctor said and waited. One thing you should know is that Beka had been losing a LOT of weight so along with the prescription the doctor said we really needed to fatten her up(which we were already doing anyway technically). He said to give her lots of shakes, and fast food hamburgers/fries, things that people watching their wait tend to stay away from.

So, we were getting really worried about her because she was getting really weak but she didn't want to eat. She just wasn't in the mood for food I guess. So we made her lots of fruit shakes and put protein powder in them. And we gave her a lot of ice cream. We tried to get her to eat a hamburger Wednesday for lunch but she took two mouse-size bites and then said she was done. Meanwhile, we getting more and more worried about her because she is looking worse and worse with every passing minute.

Thursday morning she was so weak she couldn't even sit up on her own. My mom got the earliest appointment she could with our doctor and took her in. At this point I was in tears I was so worried. And the tears didn't stop. When the call came from my mom saying that Beka had diabetes and her blood sugar was 450(should be between 80 and 100) and they were taking her to the emergency room, I totally freaked out. Then another call: they were life-lining her to Riley hospital in Indianapolis because they were unable to stabilize her here in town. Panic began welling up in me. I honestly didn't know if I'd ever see my 9 year old sister again. And the doctors here at Riley didn't help with those feelings either. They pretty much made it sound like she was dying. And I think she was. I believe it's only through all the prayers lifted up for her that she is still alive right now. But because of all those prayers, she was moved out of the ICU late yesterday morning and is now doing wonderfully.

This weekend already had a busy schedule though. I was in a piano competition last month and won for my division so I went on to state. This Saturday was the state competition. Fortunately, it was here in Indy so I was able to go see Beka right afterward, but I still didn't focus as well as maybe I could have. I hadn't seen her since Thursday morning so I was rather anxious about getting to the hospital. On top of that, Joel and I had an orchestra concert last night. The conductor was none too pleased when he found out we'd be unable to make it to the concert. He yelled at me, then he yelled at my mom, then he yelled at my dad. I understand his frustration. It is very difficult to replace people at the last minute, especially principle flute with several solos. But I wish he could be more understanding of the fact that family comes first. So I'm still sorta stressing out about that whole thing.

But I'm very happy that Beka is doing so well. She is so ready to go home. She keeps asking when we get to go home. (I think she is really bored here =P) But she is being very brave about everything. Right now we are all going through diabetic training so we can take care of her when we bring her home so the doctors/nurses are having us do everything we can. Yesterday I gave my first shot. =P I was totally nervous about it, way more nervous than Beky who was taking the shot. I looked at that needle, then I looked at her arm, and I wasn't sure if I could make myself push the needle through her skin. But, I did. And it actually wasn't that bad. Poor Beka though, she has to have a minimum of four insulin shots a day. I also checked her blood sugar before dinner yesterday. That was a lot easier. All I did was prick her finger and then test the blood with a tester thingie.(yes, I'm terribly technical)

To sum all this up, I've been extremely busy this past week... well, less than a week I guess, but if feels like all this has taken a lot longer than it has. Long days + tons of worry + hospitals + crowded rooms = lots of stress and some irritablness for my whole family. Please continue to pray for us that God's peace will surround us during these last couple days here in Indy. We're all very tired and we've been snapping at each other a lot about the silliest little things. So we just need an extra measure of stength right now. Thanks to all of you that have been praying and will continue to pray.

Happy Mother's Day!

For you, Mama!

Today is for you because you're a mom
What mom means I will now make clear
It means that you sacrifice many things
For the children that you hold dear

You could have gone out and gotten a job
The career that you truly desired
But instead you stayed home to raise us kids
Though often you get real tired

Though you're not paid a grand salary
Your work is of value untold
You cook, you clean, and you do laundry too
While our math equations unfold

I'm not perfect I do things I don't mean
say things like, "I hate you" and such
The truth is without you, I'd be nothing
From you I've learned so very much

I regret times I've made you feel worthless
Like the life you chose was for not
It's in times like that, I've not used my brain
I spewed anger without a thought

I'm so very sorry for all those times
You truly mean the world to me
You are so special because you're a mom
Another like you will never be

Book Review

Passion & Purity by Elisabeth Elliot

As the title indicates, Elisabeth Elliot's book Passion & Purity discusses the reality of sexual passions under the lens of Biblical purity. Since the beginning of time, men and women have had sexual passions. Never does Elisabeth Elliot state that such passions are wrong. She believes them to be God-given and therefore a good thing. Rather than attacking the passions themselves as many skeptic readers would expect, she addresses the result of these passions.

In our "do what feels good" society, the words passion and purity do not belong together. If your sexual passions are stirred up, no one expects you to consider purity. You are expected to satisfy the appetite of your passions. This is the norm, not only for non-Christians, but also for many believers. Even for Christians who strive to keep their virginity, there is a disconnect. They see the point at which virginity is lost to be the moment you have had sex. Up to that point, you are free to act on your sexual drives with no consequence.

With this perspective, the line that can be approached but not crossed, people quickly lose sight of the original idea of virginity (that being the saving of your body for you future spouse). Instead it almost becomes a game. People go as far as they possibly can, no longer saving themselves. It is all for self-gratification. What they call "making love" does not involve love of any kind, for we know from the Bible that love is not selfish.

Throughout the book, Elisabeth Elliot describes her relationship with Jim Elliot. Two college kids, striving to stay pure while the burning desire for each other grew. But they both received a command from God: Wait! It was not that they were too young to marry. They were in fact quite ready (at least in the eyes of the world). But God had bigger plans. Though He did not reveal these plans to either Jim or Elisabeth, He was weaving them slowly in their lives. Elisabeth Howard in confusion, struggled to wait on God's timing. She knew He was in control, that He knew what He was doing, but still the questions of doubt rose in her mind. Wanting so much to be Jim Elliot's wife, yet not having any idea as to whether that would ever happen, she was forced to rely solely and wholly on God's grace, love, and mercy to sustain her each day.

Was this waiting period hard? Yes. Was it cruel of God to command this wait? No, on the contrary, it was out of love that he made them wait. He used the short term agony to grow them in their faith. Drawing them closer to their common goal (serving God with their all) they were better equip to face the struggles that accompany marriage. God uses such situations in all of our lives to grow us and prepare us for the future.

Elisabeth Elliot stresses the importance of putting your future in God's hands. Waiting with total dependence on Him is the first step towards controlling your passions with purity. The book is a real life example of the inner struggles of someone wanting to give their all to God, yet fighting the desire to plan their own life. This example shows us that it is possible for all of us to rely on God, trusting Him with our lives. This book is very much worth reading.

Public Meeting Summary (Ben Rush)

I haven't actually posted any of the stuff I've done for Ben Rush in awhile so I thought I'd post the summary I wrote yesterday. Not one of the better things I've written but, meh, whatever.

Present at the meeting were State Representatives Clyde Kersey and Vern Tincher and State Senators John Waterman and Timothy Skinner. They were asked to discuss the proposed budget for the years 2009 and 2010 for the state of Indiana.

All four legislators communicated great frustration that the budget plan they saw as sufficient for the coming two years was not passed. First blaming the Republicans for not properly supporting their budget proposal, they quickly changed the direction of the fingers they pointed, giving full blame over to Governor Mitch Daniels.

They said with a touch of disdain that the Governor did not approve the 2% increase to public school funding and the 1% increase to public university funding that they saw as important. He would like to see money taken from schools and placed in a “rainy-day” fund.

In the midst of an economic crisis, Daniels' desire to take about $84 million out of education and place it in a “rainy-day” fund is a wise one. But the Representatives and Senators at the meeting adamantly apposed this. Stating that education is the future of this nation, they see fit to pour more money into Indiana’s schools. However, they do not stand behind their claim that education is the future. Senator Skinner made it clear that, as a teacher at a public high school, he was greatly against alternative forms of education such as homeschooling or attending a private school. If education is truly their focus, would they be so opposed to alternative forms?

Throughout the entirety of the meeting, everything ultimately was brought back to public education. When discussing their annoyance with Governor Daniels for wanting to pull funding from education, they voiced fears that such a fund cut would force schools to lay off teachers adding to the unemployment rate. It was suggested that the fund cut could affect things other than teacher salaries. For example, extra curricular activities like sports. The response indicated that this was, in their minds, an impossibility. Saying that the taxpayers desire their children in sports and cutting sports funding would cause an uprising.

It is clear from the meeting as a whole that the budget they desire to create is not truly in the best interest of the people of Indiana. It is instead based on the wants of these politicians.

Meeting State Legislature

Yesterday was SO awesome! Two state representatives and two state senators were at the main branch of our library in the morning so I got to hear them talk about the budget they had been working on that didn't end up getting passed. They were all democrats so I wasn't surprised that I disagreed with them about lots of stuff they said. But I find it far more interesting to listen to people who I disagree with talk because it forces me to really think.
Afterward I asked all of them if I could take a picture with them(for Ben Rush purposes) and got to talk to them in the process. Three of the four were definitely uncomfortable talking to me since I'm just a kid. They took no time at all getting away to talk to the other people there(all of whom where over the age of 50). But one of the senators had no problem at all talking to me. =)
It turns out he's a high school teacher so that kind of explains it. The interesting thing was, though he was the most open to talking to me, he was also the most loud spoken against homeschooling. =P
When I ask him if I could take a picture with him "for a school project" (I really didn't feel like taking the time to explain GenJ and Ben Rush to him so yeah...) he asked me what school I go to. The moment the word homeschooled escaped my lips he sorta gave me a funny look. Then he made it very clear that he does not in any way support homeschooling. He said that parents take their kids out of school and claim to homeschool them but don't do anything with them. This annoyed me so I couldn't keep quiet about it. I explained to him that it is true that there are people like that, but they are the minority and they give all homeschoolers a bad name. He sorta nodded and then said something about homeschooling being good if the parents are actually intelligent but mostly it's a bad thing. Since I didn't figure I could change his mind I just redirected the conversation over the some of the stuff that had been discussed about the budget plans for public schools and we talked about that for quite awhile. My goal was to prove to him that homeschoolers ARE getting a good education. And I succeeded. At the end of our conversation, he said that he could tell my parents were doing a good job because I was very intelligent! That truly made my day. I succeeded in at least for a moment giving someone with a bit of power a good impression of homeschoolers.

Then I went home and wrote a "Public Meeting Summary" for Ben Rush. I'm beginning to think there is actually a chance I can finish all the Ben Rush requirements and get myself some college scholarship. It'll mean a VERY busy summer, but it's totally worth it.

Different

As I watch my little brother grow up, my heart is filled with agony. John is different from most kids. Having Down's Syndrome, he learns much slower. Concepts that to us seem extremely easy to understand, are far to difficult for him to grasp. On top of being slow, he looks different. You can tell by looking at him that he has some type of mental handicap. And this affects how people view him. Kids look at him and immediately shy away. And this is where the agony began for me. Watching him in settings where a somewhat large group of kids are thrown together to play is heart breaking. Why? Because none of the kids want to play with him. They exclude him from their games and even do their best to make sure he doesn't play with their toys whether they're using them or not. He used to not notice. But as he's grown older, he has grown aware of this and accepted the lack of acceptance. Now, when placed in a group of kids, he doesn't even try to break past the barrier that faces him. He finds something of interest, (usually a car of some sort) and goes off by himself and plays. He has accepted rejection.

I as the big sister just want to first go and slap all those kids that reject him and shake some sense into them, and then, when I'm done dealing out wrath, take John up in my arms and tell him how much I love him. So, as I was thinking about his today, my brain did its natural thing when I'm upset about something. It started writing poetry. =P This poem is in honor of John and all the people in the world that are rejected for being different.

Different

God, I know I'm different,
But I do not understand.
Why when other kids could run,
I could not even stand.

God, I know I'm different,
But why must they all stare?
All these judging looks,
Are painful and unfair.

God, I know I'm different,
'Cause you made me this way.
Did you make me a retard,
Like all those people say?

God, I know I'm different,
And I know I have your love.
But why don't others like me?
Why must they push and shove?

God, I know I'm different,
And I'd really like some friends.
But no one wants to play with me.
No accepting hand extends.

God, I know I'm different,
And my heart is nearly broke.
All I want is love,
But they just laugh and poke.

God, I know I'm different,
But why can they not see?
It was not just for them,
that you died upon a tree.

God, I know I'm different,
And I'll try to be content.
But why can't I be normal,
So no one will comment?

God, I know I'm different,
And Down's isn't bad.
But couldn't I be normal?
If I'd fit in I would be glad.

God, I know I'm different,
And I will now be still.
You made me who I am,
And you think I fit the bill.

God you made me different.
Unique in every way.
You think that I am beautiful,
So just this way I'll stay.

Dead or Alive: Why the Contrast?

Last night I went to my first concert; I went to see Skillet and Disciple. It was a ton of fun but I was struck by a couple things there.

Kevin Young, the lead singer for Disciple said, "I could just pray all night! Does that not rock?"
After the screaming and clapping had died down a bit he said, "But you guys came for music. So I'll shut up and play you some more."
I know it shouldn't surprise me really, but the screaming/cheering and clapping were twice as loud as it was when he said he could pray all night.
I mean, talk about putting on a show. All I could think was, "Yeah, sure you could pray all night. I'd love to see you try." The fact that he had to ask, "Does that not rock" was a sure sign that he would NEVER actually pray all night. He'd only talk about doing it to put on a holy appearance. And it worked. The audience fell for it... well, most of it anyway.

Near the beginning of the concert the audience was asked, "Who here loves Jesus?" When the screaming wasn't quite 'satisfactory' the question was asked again in a "I want you to be louder" way. One the third asking the place was just crazy loud with all the shouting and screaming. Okay great, so everyone there at least claims to love Jesus. But what does that mean to them? During the entire concert, I couldn't help looking around at everything (being my first concert I was a little curious). I got a little irritated at some points when I looked around. Several of those same people that had yelled their lungs out saying they love Jesus at the beginning were now headbanging. I mean, my brain hurt just watching them. And maybe I'm a little extreme, but somehow I just don't see how that is a sing of loving Jesus. Everyone knows that headbanging is NOT good for your brain. It does serious damage if done long and hard enough. And as Christians, our bodies are the temple of the Holy Spirit. We are supposed to take care of our bodies, and that includes taking care of our brains.

Why can't Christians be different from non-Christians? It made me a tad uncomfortable. When everyone was told to get their cell phones out it was just plain... well, what on earth is the point? A guy a couple seats away got out his lighter and started waving it for a little while. And it was just weird.

WHY DO GUYS WHERE SKINNY JEANS?!?!?! They are so gross! I'm sorry, but there is only one way to describe how they look.... GAY! Sorry, but that is how they look. And if you claim to be a Christian, I don't see why you feel the need to dress like you're gay. I know, I know, don't judge a book by it's cover. But I just think God has called his Children to something more. Christian bands shouldn't need to dress like secular bands in order to be cool enough for Christians.

Okay, so my couple of things that struck me has turned into a few more than a couple. Sorry! I only have one more.

As I looked around at everyone at the concert I had a thought that just wouldn't go away. Everyone was way into the music. Jumping around, clapping, hands raised, some singing along, one word came to mind: Alive. Then suddenly the picture of a church service entered my mind; the pastor standing in the pulpit preaching. The 'alive' fans replaced by the bored church goers doing their utmost to not fall asleep. Some no longer fighting the drowsiness that overwhelms them, their eyelids slowly close and their heads slump back. A new word invaded my mind and erased everything else: Dead. What a contrast these to scenes are. In the church, there is a deadness, a disinterest. But enter a concert and you find yourself in the midst of electrified aliveness. Why such a contrast? Why do churches lack this enthusiasm?

The answer is very sad. And it can be summed up in two words: surface faith. Christianity is a surface thing. The majority of Christians wear their faith as a badge or a title. But they still cling to the things of the world. The things that capture their interest are worldly. Being Christian, they must uphold their title by doing Christian things such as listening to Christian music. But they really want secular music. It fascinates them and is like a magnet, for their week faith is not enough of a negative current to repel them. But they can't allow themselves to be drawn to secular things so what do they do? They must secularize Christian music. This satisfies their longing for the world but still allows them to wear the badge of Christianity.

But go to church? Church lacks the 'excitements' they hold dear. Their surface faith find no enjoyment in digging deep and discovering the wonders of God's Word. They are nothing more than babes, able to take nothing thicker than milk. They find this milk in the lyrics of christian music, but a church service (a good one anyway) fills their plate with meat that they are unable to digest. It is unable to keep their attention so they drift to sleep. They become 'dead', losing the 'aliveness' they have while at a rock concert.

Now I realize this all probably sounds a little ridiculous. You're probably thinking, "You don't know how to enjoy yourself properly at a concert if this kind of thinking is the result." or, "You just need to go to more concerts. You're still new at it and you need to get used to them." or more likely, "You're insane! How can you judge people so strongly? You need to loosen up and not be so legalistic."

So I just want to clarify. I DO enjoy listening to Christian music. The same music I just called spiritual milk. I am not saying it's a bad thing. Most of it is great and has some really good profound lyrics. What I am saying is that I feel that Christians need to rethink where they spend their energies. A church service should be filled with people just as alive as a concert. Not jumping around screaming. But alive. If we give so much attention to singers and their music, why can't we give at least that much attention and more to the preaching of God's word?

I don't really have a title

I'm slightly frustrated right now so I decided to take my mind off my frustrations and blog about some not frustrating stuff.

This past Saturday, we went to my sisters baby shower. =) I felt a little out of place there. I mean, I'm only 15 and everyone else there either was married and had a kid or was old enough that they could be married and easily have a kid. So yeah, I felt sorta like i didn't fit there. But I got to hold the most adorable little girl so I was happy! =)

I'm kinda broke so I couldn't get a gift for my sister so Esther and I made the cake for the shower as our gift and I now kinda wish we hadn't. I mean, it tasted okay I guess. But I'm not exactly an experienced cake decorator so it didn't look very nice at all. And my oldest sister came up from TX and did all the decorating for the party and she is an AMAZING decorator. I mean, everything was just gorgeous. And then there was the cake....

Oh well, if I overlook the embarrassment, then it was fun. I got to see my nephew. He is growing up way too fast and he's just as cute as can be. The poor guy though, he goes to see family and there are so many people he gets kinda overwhelmed. So he was very clingy to Sharon. The only time he really came very close to letting me even touch him was when I was asleep on the couch after the shower and he climbed up on top of me. It was a pleasant way to wake up. =) But then when i woke up I think I scared him again because he got down. =( I guess I'm a pretty scary person.

Over all, it was a good day. =D =D

But now I'm frustrated with some stuff and I'm trying to be responsible but sometimes being responsible is just.... HARD!!! Sometimes I just want to do the easy thing but I can't and yeah, I need to go read the Bible for awhile. I need some answers and that's the best place to look.

Mental and Physical Exhaustion

I've been so busy with school I have really been neglecting my blogs. But today I finally had a day that was eventful enough to write about, so I'm squeezing in some time for it.

I had AIM auditions(Basically a piano achievement test) today. It was the first time I've done this so I was really nervous. I have only been taking piano lessons since last January so being in 10th grade, I really should be farther along, but I'm not because I haven't been playing terribly long. I actually started piano when I was 4(I think). My oldest sister started with basic stuff and I played with her and my second oldest sister off and on until age 10. But then, being 10 and 12 years older than me were in college during most of this time so it was all hit and miss. And since they were my sisters, I didn't feel terribly compelled to work all that hard at it. So, needless to say, I never got very good. But then summer 2007 I sorta randomly sat down at the piano (after not playing for several years) and started playing around. I kinda liked it and continued to play. I heard Fantasy (K. 397) by Mozart and fell in love with it. We had a rather large book of Mozart's music left from when my sisters were at home and it happened to have the piece in it. YAY! =D

I was really excited and just started playing it. I mean, it took me ages to learn it but I finally did. I'm sure I made my family sick of it with the hours I spent trying to learn it. But they must not have been to terribly sick of it because in December(Yes, it really did take me 5 or 6 months to learn it. =P) my mom sorta hinted that I should find a teacher and start taking lessons.

So I did. I found the AWESOMEST teacher. Actually, she is the wife of the conductor of the youth orchestra I was already in, so I sorta already had a connection to her, I just didn't know it. Luckily for me, the conductor put in a good word for me(still haven't figured out why since I'm convinced he doesn't like me at all). So I started taking lessons. And, with the playing around on my own, I really liked playing piano, but Mr. Roby made me fall in love with piano.

So today, after just over a year of lessons, I had this achievement test. Well, actually four. My first was sight reading and wow did I do badly. I think it is a bad sign when the 'judge' says after you are done, "You should practice sight reading a lot." A.K.A, you are so not good at this so go practice because you definitely need it. =P

Next I had repertoire. This was the part I was most looking forward to and it went splendidly. I mean, not perfect of course, but VERY well. After the sight reading, it was a huge relief.

Then I had keyboard skills. Scales went perfectly. Arpeggios were pretty good. Cadences were great. Chords and inversions... well, let's just say that I had played a few too many keys and E flat minor was a bit too stretching for me. =P I thought I knew it, but I went to play the chord and it just didn't sound.... minor?... I dunno, but it was embarrassing. The 'judge' finally just said, "You were right." And I was kinda dumbly like, "Oh, okay." Hehehehe, but I got through fine.

The theory test I really don't know about. I am not very good at listening to intervals and identifying them. And hearing a chord and identifying it isn't easy for me either. So that part I wont be surprised if I didn't do too well. The written theory I think was fine. Just writing out scales and chords and a little stuff with rhythms. Fun stuff like that. With musical terms (tenuto, molto, maestoso, etc.) it was just a matter of matching terms with definitions so it was pretty easy.

What did I do after frying my brain there? Go home and relax? Nope! Something way more fun. I played Ultimate Frisbee for about 3 hours (with a break for dinner). When we were done, I was exhausted. Physically and mentally. I know I will be very sore tomorrow, but pain equals growth so that's good. If I don't feel it, I didn't play hard enough.

Today was great. =D =D

Feeling silly

Ack, Ack, Ack!!! I feel so silly right now. I just did the dumbest thing ever. Yesterday I sent a letter to my senators and congressman, and somehow I forgot to sign them before sending them. =S I guess it doesn't really matter since these people don't know me from Adam. But I still feel rather silly about it. I guess this will be one mistake I will NEVER make again though. I will never send a letter without checking it a thousand times to make sure I really signed it. I guess I was just a little to energetic about sending the things and didn't double check to make sure they were perfect. But I guess mistakes are for learning so I'll learn from it and try to move on.

It got published. =)

Yay, now I'm really happy. They did publish my letter... sorta. Not exactly. I mean, it didn't actually get printed in the paper I don't think. (we don't get the paper so it's hard to tell. I've just been checking online.) But it did get put in today's Reader's Forum. So it's online at least. It's really short, and I don't know if it really even makes sense. But I guess if it got published it must have made at least a tiny amount of sense. If you care to read it, you can here. It's at the bottom. I was looking this morning to see if it was there and I didn't see it. So when Esther showed me that it was there I was really super excited. And a few days ago I was getting really discouraged about Ben Rush and I was ready to quit. But now I'm excited about it again. So I'm back on it. =) Now I'm working on looking up some stuff about my Congressman and Senators so I can do my first letter to legistlator. Oh, and if anyone knows a good way to find voting records, I'd be ever so thankful if you shared it. I'm having trouble finding anything. Thanks.

A total ramble

Uhgness! I haven't posted in ages. I've been too busy with school and everything and my blog is neglected. It's my mom's birthday today. And it was Beky's last Thursday, and Rachel's last Monday. Gotta love big families with three birthdays in one week. =D Everyone is getting older. Poor dears. =P

Riah asked me to give Ben Rush updates so here's the first. I wrote a letter to the editor today. So only two more to write. It wasn't very long really, but I guess it was okay. Probably wont get published though because, horor of all horors, I said the word...."God". Which is so not PC. I also included a quote from Daniel Webster(had to have a quote from a founding father in the letter) that talked about Christianity being the foundation of civil society. Oh, and I should probably mention that the topic of the letter was same-sex marriage. And I said that its a BAD thing. So absically, I violated all rules of "seperation of church and state". So yeah, no way they will publish it. But oh well, I had to write it and it's done now. So I'm happy.

Less happiness.... one week until the first orchestra concert. And I sorta...*cough* have failed to practice much this semester. I can play the stuff mostly okay, but yeah, practice wouldn't have been a bad idea. But that's not the only thing that happens this Sunday. If you read my other blog you know that i entered in an essay contest. And this Sunday, they let the winners know that they won. And I know I didn't win, but still.... I can't help but sorta hope. I know, I shouldn't even bother hoping, but I do because I'm crazy.

And now it's like 11 and I really need to sleep. Sorry for rambling about nothing in particular, but sometimes, I just have my days and have to. If you were totally bored, or you hate me for being so random and all, umm...well that's what comments are for. =P But yeah, sorry, I'm off to bed now. Hopefully next time I have time for a post, I'll be less...rambly.

The Awe inspiring God

Wow! I totally don't know where to begin. And if this post comes off as totally hyper, I'm really really sorry. I just, well, I'm totally in love with God right now. I was shown today just how much he cares about the little things. I know that I'm insignificant. In the largeness of the world, I'm nothing much. But God cares about me. Why? I have no idea. But He does and for that I am so thankful.

This past week has been the hardest of my life. I thought I lost a friend due to some jerkiness on my part. Then after working things out with that friend, there was conflict with another. And, well, I just felt as though I was ruining everyone's lives. I felt as though I was in the middle of all the turmoil that was going within me and a group of three friends. It seemed like everything I did caused something bad to happen in the group. And I was ready to just get out of it. I thought perhaps if I didn't talk to anyone anymore then everything would clear up. But that wasn't the solution.

One of these great friends always seems to know when I'm not feeling great. Don't ask me how, but it just seems like I can't even be the tiniest bit upset without this friend knowing. So he knew I was upset and asked me what was going on. After explaining how I was feeling, that I just made everything worse and should stop interacting with people, he did what he always does. He encouraged me a lot. He reminded me that I'm God's creation. And that when I think myself worthless, I'm really calling something God made worthless. It's no better than spitting in God's face.

But now that I wasn't feeling worthless, Satan decided he needed to attack someone else. So he got my friend Maddie feeling like she was unneeded. When I was trying to convince her that I loved her and she was anything but unneeded she said to me, "But... you have 'Jack' and 'Jane'. I'm just kinda... a side? =P I dunno... I'm just kinda here." (Yes, I changed the quote by changing the names.)

But God showed Himself again through a small series of events which you can read about here and here. I wont take time to talk about that here but please go read those to blog posts so you'll see just how amazing God is.

Now, what you just hopefully read was not the first amazing thing God did today. As I have been expressing in several posts, I have been feeling quite odd recently. This is all due lots or weirdness with Maddie and Esther(the authors of the two blogs above) and another friend of ours. And one thing in particular that happened was just making me act very weird. So this morning Esther told me that I should tell our mom about it. I felt weird doing so. It just seemed awkward or something. Just not the kind of thing I would normally tell my mom. But as I was telling her, I saw God's hand at work. Her response to the situation was just..... well, it was a total God thing. There is no other explanation. And you know, as hard as it was to talk to my mom about the problems I was having in my life, I feel like it brought us closer.

Wow, I'm really rambling. Sorry. When I get excited like this I sometimes can't help it. So let me just try to sum up what I'm really trying to say. I've learned a lot this past week. First, communication saves from a lot of heart ache. Second, God uses rough times to bring friends closer together. Third, God is just totally amazing!!!! Fourth, wow am I in love with God. Fifth, I'm utterly in awe. Sixth, how can anyone not see how wonderful God is? Seventh....

Okay, I guess you probably get the point. I could just go on like that for the rest of my life I think. But I'll save you the time and just leave it there. But I do have to say just one more time before I shut up and go to bed:

GOD IS AMAZING!!!!!

Apology Needed

In my previous post, I did an awful thing. I ridiculed Joel to the world. And it was not a Christian thing to do. I was upset with him, so I should have gone and talked to him. But I didn't. Instead I talked about him "behind his back". So I want to apologize. At first I was just going to apologize to him in person, but then I was thinking about it, and I decided that since I ridiculed him openly, I should also apologize in the same way. I over reacted the the whole situation and painted an inaccurate picture of Joel to all of you. And for that I also want to apologize to all my readers.

Ephesians 4:29 says "Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen."

I failed to do that. I did not build, but instead tore down. And I did not benefit those who listened.

I'm sorry.

Social Outcasts

I got another chance to realize how weird I am tonight. Orchestra rehearsal is at 6:30, but because of transportation issues I had to be dropped off at about 5:45. Now I didn't really expect anyone to be there yet so I brought a book with me. But I was wrong. There was one person there already. The base player. I'd never really talked to him before so I had no clue what he was like. But we were both standing in the hallway(the door to the rehearsal room was locked) and after a short awkward silence we started talking. And the more we talked the more comfortable I got.

I found out that he was somewhat a social outcast. When he went to Junior High, all his friends went to the other Junior high so he was friendless. And it sounded like basically he hasn't really had any friends since. He said that people think him weird so they just avoid him or at least, if they don't avoid him, they treat him like he doesn't belong. So when he asked me what school I go to, I felt totally comfortable telling him, "I'm homeschooled." Normally, I hate having to tell people that. Not because I'm ashamed of it. I love being homeschooled. It's just that, the moment I say those words, they give me a look and then stop talking to me because they don't know how to relate to me.

I told him that I kinda understood being written off as weird. Being homeschooled makes everyone think I'm just some kind of freak. Add to that the fact that I have 8 siblings and we drive around in a 12 passenger van, freak is the only word that can really describe me. But he just looked at me and said, "So just because your homeschooled, people think you're a freak?" I love when people make it clear they think that is as dumb as I do. =P

Joel showed up at a little after 6. And after this guy left to go look for someone that was supposed to be bringing his base, Joel started commenting about how weird he was. And I was so.....oh what's the word....well I just wanted to yell at Joel and tell him he's a jerk. Far too often we do call people weird: People we have NEVER talked to. But why? If you would only talk to them before giving them such a title, you might find that they are just hurting inside.

So here's what is weird about me. I'd much rather talk to a 'weird' person that most would want nothing to do with, than a popular, cool person that seems to have it all together. Not normal I know. But I guess when the person seems the weirdest on first glance, that's when they are usually hurting the most. And if someone is hurting because of being shunned for no real reason, then we have something in common. So I love talking to them. I hate feeling like I'm the only one that does NOT have it all together. So talking to others in the same boat is refreshing. And you know, maybe, just maybe, I brightened his day a little too. Maybe I showed him that someone can care to listen to his problems without judging him. And if I did, then the time I took to do so was well spent. People listen to me and my problems an awful lot. So what better thing can I do but to do the same for others.

Okay, if that made no sense what so ever, I'm very sorry. I'm extremely tired right now, and still on an emotional roller coaster so I'm kinda having trouble thinking straight.

The wonders of screaming!

I've been extremely emotional recently. Various things going on in my life have given me some ups and downs. During the last week, I've sorta come to expect myself to go from hyper to depressed, to giddy, to confused, to happy, to sad, and back to hyper again, all in a span of about five minutes. You could just say, I'm an emotional wreck. Today was no exception. I was quite happy in the afternoon, but then suddenly I got really down. Sadly, this was right before I was supposed to be going to a basketball game with Joel and Esther. So I wasn't feeling much like going. But I did.

We ended up sitting in the wrong place and were surrounded by fans of the other team. =P Now, I'm not terribly into sports so to me, it didn't matter much which team won. But since my dads a prof at the school I sorta had to root for them. And by the end I was anyway because I was quite annoyed with the other team. They did everything possible to get fouls called on the other team. And they were wimps. A few of them seriously cried just to get fouls called. Which totally irked me because I cannot stand wimpy girls. A little pain never hurt anyone so I hate when people make a big deal out of nothing. But anyway, we were surrounded by fans of the rival school and of course they were doing the typical fan thing: yelling like crazy at the refs, screaming when points were made, the whole nine yards. And they since the other team was getting on Joel's, Esther's, and my nerves, we decided to do our own screaming. Our reasoning for this was maybe not the best. We wanted to do it just to see how these loyal fans around us would react.

Perhaps this was wrong, I don't really know. But it was rather funny the first time we screamed really loud when 'our' team got a point. The lady in front of us just sorta turned around and had the most comical expression. So of course that made us just want to do it more. By the end of the game, my throat hurt from yelling/screaming so much. But slowly, throughout the game, I had started feeling better. The more I yelled, the more I felt a sense of relief. Like a huge weight of anxiety was slowly lifting. So by the end of the game I felt much better.

Then Joel wanted to go the a movie. The cheap theater in town only shows two movies at once. I don't remember now what the other was, but I know we looked it up and weren't sure it was decent. So we went to 'Bolt'. While it was sorta a dumb movie, it was just what I needed. I actually laughed while watching it. And I haven't laughed in about a week. Not a real laugh. Sure I forced a laugh a few times, but not a genuine one. In fact, I don't know if I had really even smiled genuinely this week either. So laughing felt marvelous.

And then after the movie, Joel decided he wanted to take Esther and I to go get ice cream. So to any of you that think Joel is just weird, I just want you to know, he is really very sweet. After all, what other guy do I know that would take me out for a game, a movie, and ice cream all in one night. =P He wouldn't even let Esther and me open our doors to get in or out of the car. =D He's quite a proper gentleman.

So last night I discovered that if you are feeling down, you should go scream your head off. Does wonders. =D But on a more serious note, I just want to thank God for my siblings, the best support group ever. I love you guys!

Another poem

Perhaps I'm getting lame with all my poems, but I have another. I wrote this specifically for a couple amazing friends. I know that I am not the friend I could and should be. I fail at letting my friends know often enough how much I love them. When I wrote this, I was thinking about two in particular(you know who you are) so I'm dedicating this poem to them. But it's really for all of my friends.

My friend, I love you

I want to be the best kind of friend,
Not caring at all about style or trend.
To love you for who you really are.
Not for your looks, or those of your car.

You may not be 'cool' enough to hang with that crowd.
But if you'll be my friend, I'll be ever so proud.
Because in you, I see a different cool.
For in God's hand, you're His beautiful tool.

You say that you're ugly: gross to look at.
My dear, I really must disagree with that.
The beauty of you heart shines through on your face.
Ugliness? No! Not one single trace.

The best of friends you are too me.
As good a friend, I could never be.
Because I fail, too many days,
To show you I love you, in special ways.

How much I appreciate you, I want you to know.
But what if you don't, because I fail to show?
Not often enough, do I tell you "I love you!"
And when I do, do my actions say it's true?

If I've not told you today, and that's my fear,
I love you, I love you, I love you, my dear.
But even if I've said it already today, I'll say it again,
I love you, I love you, I love you, my friend.

Valentines Day Poem

I know it's a little lame, but my post for today is just another poem I wrote for the holiday.

Love
Love is patient, love is kind
If you read your Bible I think you'll find
Love's more than sex, more than a warm fuzzy feeling
'Cause those are mostly selfish and to God that's not appealing

Love does not envy and it does not boast
Not proud or rude, doesn't seek self most
Takes work to anger love because it forgets wrongs
Love makes 'good' things more than noisy gongs

Love despises evil, but rejoices in the truth
Protects always, like Boaz did for Ruth
It always trusts, always hopes and preserves
Love never fails, no, it never disappears

To sum it all up, what is Love really like?
It's a thing to be taught while you're still a little tyke
To give up your life, in another's place
There's no greater thing, love is friendships true base

Now when you hear this most familiar of words
Remember it's more than the bees and the bird's
This holiday of love truly means much more
Christ's about sacrifice, not flowers of the door

Okay, I realize I really didn't write that, I got the majority right out of 1 Corinthians 13. All I did was add a rhyme hear and there. But my goal with this poem wasn't originality so much as it was just to remind.

Okay, I just had to do this. Esther showed me this song that I'd never heard, and it was so totally applicable to my last couple posts. So yeah, I thought I'd post the song.



Thanks Esther. Love ya sis.

God is good, and the bible rocks!

Okay, yes I realize I really should be in bed. But I was so depressed earlier I really couldn't sleep. So I've been reading the bible and praying. And let me tell you, that does wonders for depression. Now, I was reading Daniel, which seems odd I guess. I mean, I should have been reading Psalms or something. But I have been studying Daniel so I just read there. And it was just what I needed. All throughout the book of Daniel, we are shown God's power, and man's weakness and dependence on God. I really needed to see that. Seeing that God doesn't need us to be strong to work in us showed me that, God can use me for his glory. I don't have to be Einstein for God to use my life. And really, what struck me most, is that God can use us best in our weakest moments. The weaker we are, the better He can show us how much we truly rely on Him. As we get stronger, we get prideful. That's what happened to Nebuchadnezzar. He was the king of the greatest empire in the world at the time, what did he not have to be proud about? But God showed him how insignificant he really was. In the height of his power, he lost everything and became as the wild beasts. Talk about humiliating. Thanks to all you that commented here or emailed me. Your words were more encouraging than you know. God brought you all into my life and I'm so thankful for that. Between you guys, and the amazing power of God's word, I'm feeling tons better. Sure, I still don't have any kind of talent in any amazing thing, but I was created by God. He knew me before he formed me, and he carefully knit me together. He made me who I am, and in his sight, I'm beautiful. So really, what else do I need to know? Okay, sure, I still want to be smart. But until something changes, I'm going to try to be content with how God made me. Just a plain average kid with a desire to impact the world.

A small bit a depression

Math is killing me right now. I would give just about anything to be a nerdy genius. Yes, I just said I wish I was nerdy. That is a definite sign that I'm homeschooled , huh? But honestly, I don't care. Sure, nerds are not considered cool by 'cool'(aka popular) people. But hey, I've got nothing to lose. I'm already a social out cast because I'm homeschooled right?

So yes, it's weird, but I just want to be smart. I want to have something I can do well. I fail at sports, my musical talent is....meh, I don't even know how to look 'cool', so the least I could do is be smart. But no, the only thing I don't fail at, is being the world's biggest klutz.

Okay, yes, I'm extremely depressed right now. But I just finished with math for today and lets just say, Algebra II jus' ain't ma thang. I don't understand half of it. And for real, who cares what the length of each side of a cube with the same volume as a rectangular solid with sides, square root of two, square root of three, and square root of five is. I sure don't. (sixth root of thirty by the way, for anyone that actually does care. =P) But seriously, I just find it pointless. I know, I know, it's just brain exercise. But it'll be the death of any brain cells I actually do have. My brain starts feeling like mush, and then it just gets even harder to do the work. Remind me again why math is a high school requirement? =P

I wish I could just stick to easy stuff. Like, why can't I just study Calvin all day? Or write essays? Westminster Confessions is fun too. So why can't school consist of the fun stuff like that? In what way is math going to enhance my walk with God? That's what I want to know. Well, I guess it does in a round about way.....develops perseverance and all that.

But seriously, I wasn't made to be a homeschooler. Homeschoolers are smart. I mean, shoot, my younger sister(Esther) is supposed to be in eighth grade, but she is doing all the work I did last year in ninth. And my older brother(Will) was taking college classes as a sophomore. This was supposed to be his senior year in high school but he is in college full time and he has the credits of a sophomore. I'm surrounded by brainiacs . My best friend(besides Esther) is 16 and he's got the credits of a junior in college via online courses. But me? I barely get by. I'm a sophomore, doing sophomore work. And failing miserably at it.

I wrote the first draft of an essay today, and I turned it in. Thought the worst was behind me. But nope, I have to basically rewrite it. Somehow I managed to get a 'little' off topic. I've been studying Calvin so much recently, that my essay on restoring a Biblical legacy turned into the total depravity of man. And that would be fine if I was supposed to be writing that essay. But that's not the topic it's supposed to be on. So now I have to take my essay that sorta had two topics and fix it. And I don't see how I can do it without just starting over.

I wonder if there is such thing as a homeschool highschool drop out? Maybe I'll be the first. Because I'm just too dumb. Not that I'm allowed to drop out of school. Gotta finish so I can go to college. Not that any college will accept me. And if they will, they probably aren't worth going to. The college my dad teaches at only accepts top students. And I just don't know if my grades will cut it. But I have to get in. If I don't, well my dad might disown me. =P (not really) But if I don't get in, it will just be confirmed that I'm as retarded as I think I am.

Being this depressed is just depressing. I mean, it's been a long time since I was last suicidal. But today, I was literally trying to decide which would be the easiest, least painful way to go out: slit wrists, bullet to the brain, pills, or rope around the neck. I mean, I shouldn't even be thinking like that. But I was. I'm a Christian, I'm not supposed to get suicidal. "take pure joy in trials...." and all that. But I just sorta don't see much worth living for today. I mean, the state of the world.....it's pathetic. And heaven sounds awfully good. (For those of you that might be freaking out, just thought I'd let you know, I'm not going to really kill myself. I might think rashly, but don't generally act so rashly.) So yup, that's my life update. Hopefully I'll have a less depressing one in a few days.

For The Ladies - KJ-52

Okay, this is the first time I've posted a video on my blog. But I heard this song today for the first time and some of the words really stuck out. So I just wanted to share and comment on them.

Alright, I don't care I wanna say this on the mic
Right now right here in the place it's ladies night
I know I might just sound crazy right
There's some things thats goin down and its time to make it right
The world will tell you you gotta be a certain type, look a certain way,
And just be a certain size
Do what they say and it'll just be "alright"
Girl the only thing you gotta be doin is servin Christ
6 years ago I was blessed with a wife
She was sweet and lovely and beautiful and nice
But the one thing that just made her my type
Was the fact that Christ was #1 up in her life
So take my advice
Forget them Hollywood stars, and them Hollywood hair
And them Hollywood cars
Next time you thinkin' that you ain't up to par
Remember God made you beautiful just the way you are

This right here is something I really truly struggle with. I always compare myself to other people. I feel like, because I am not that 'certain type', don't look that 'certain way', and I'm most definitely not that 'certain size', I don't measure up.

In a discussion on the GenJ forum, about Hannah Montana(yes I know, weird topic. As I recall, we were discussing whether Christians should watch her show....or something like that) her looks were brought up and how she looked much prettier without her 'yellow' wig. And at some point in the discussion I said, "If I was actually pretty, I wouldn't change it for the world."

Then a guy friend said something that, well, I don't know how to describe it, but I'd not really heard this said before and I can't really explain how it made me feel, but it just made me feel sorta good.
He said, "Wait, if you were pretty you wouldn't change it for the world? Pretty by whose standards? Someone like Miley Cycrus whom the world considers beautiful, yet squanders her "talent" and body is nowhere near as "pretty" to me as a Christian girl who may not be that appealing to the eyes but is actually devoted to preserving her purity and using her talents to serve God and further his kingdom."

It really wowed me. I don't know how else to describe how I felt. Just that I was wowed. I think it might have even made me tear up a little. Which I know, is really weird and I don't know why. It just did.

Anyway, all I really intended to say was, girls, listen what he said, God made you beautiful (even if you don't always, or never, feel like it). And keep focusing on God. The closer you are to God, the more beautiful you will become on the inside, and that is what counts in God's eyes anyway.

Sick of BET, sick of MTV,
I'm sick of the sex that they always used to selling me
I'm sick of the messed up images they showin me
Im sick and tired of the messes that they say to me
That women are nothing more than sexual property
It's time we come back to treatin women properly
So what I gotta say, I'll say it real loudly
We oughta be treatin' all women like royalty
Only God should be speakin what you gotta be
Only God can give you the love you gonna need
Ladies, if a guy won't treat you as you ought to be
Tell him goodbye, show him the door, and where to leave
Don't be afraid just to tell a guy to wait for me
Don't be ashamed just to live your life in purity
See what I say, I just say it now with certainty
That God has so much more if you'll wait and see

This verse is the one that truly stuck out more than the rest. How true it is. We woman are nothing more than sexual property in the eyes of worldly men. We have allowed ourselves to be objectified, and I'm sorry, but it's partially our own faults. We don't do anything to stop it, so it goes on. Now, I don't really agree with what he said completely in the next few lines. Guys should not have to treat us like royalty. Because, well we aren't royalty so why should they treat us like we are? But listen to the man! I don't care what the dude says, DO NOT give up your purity. Love is patient! That means he can wait until AFTER he says "I do." God's got a whole lot more waiting for you than the guy that says he just can't wait.

On a final note I wanna dedicate this song
To all the godly women that just keep on seeking God
Just keep on movin and continue standin strong
Keep doin what you doin girl you got it goin on
And the single moms thats just barely holdin on
And you're workin two jobs tryin to make it on your own
No one is home cause the kid's dad is gone
God promises to never ever leave you alone
The final thing that I'll say then I'm gone
To the female singers tryin to get their pose on
Now I ain't tryin to be a hata but wrong is just wrong
Now Britney and J-Lo, please put some clothes on!
Whether yall are red-headed or just a blonde
Make sure that the Son is the one you focus on
And with that said, I'm gonna say "so long"
So get your hand up in the air, ladies, and sing along


For this verse, I'm just going to comment on the last part. I think it applies to more than just singers. Girls, if you want guys to respect you, give them something to respect. Do what he said and put some clothes on. Christian men should not get the same stumbling blocks from their sisters in Christ as they do from unsaved girls. How can we tell them, "Uh-uh, you gotta wait to get my body." And then turn around and show them just enough to make them want it more? So yeah, you want their respect, be respectable.