Math is killing me right now. I would give just about anything to be a nerdy genius. Yes, I just said I wish I was nerdy. That is a definite sign that I'm homeschooled , huh? But honestly, I don't care. Sure, nerds are not considered cool by 'cool'(aka popular) people. But hey, I've got nothing to lose. I'm already a social out cast because I'm homeschooled right?
So yes, it's weird, but I just want to be smart. I want to have something I can do well. I fail at sports, my musical talent is....meh, I don't even know how to look 'cool', so the least I could do is be smart. But no, the only thing I don't fail at, is being the world's biggest klutz.
Okay, yes, I'm extremely depressed right now. But I just finished with math for today and lets just say, Algebra II jus' ain't ma thang. I don't understand half of it. And for real, who cares what the length of each side of a cube with the same volume as a rectangular solid with sides, square root of two, square root of three, and square root of five is. I sure don't. (sixth root of thirty by the way, for anyone that actually does care. =P) But seriously, I just find it pointless. I know, I know, it's just brain exercise. But it'll be the death of any brain cells I actually do have. My brain starts feeling like mush, and then it just gets even harder to do the work. Remind me again why math is a high school requirement? =P
I wish I could just stick to easy stuff. Like, why can't I just study Calvin all day? Or write essays? Westminster Confessions is fun too. So why can't school consist of the fun stuff like that? In what way is math going to enhance my walk with God? That's what I want to know. Well, I guess it does in a round about way.....develops perseverance and all that.
But seriously, I wasn't made to be a homeschooler. Homeschoolers are smart. I mean, shoot, my younger sister(Esther) is supposed to be in eighth grade, but she is doing all the work I did last year in ninth. And my older brother(Will) was taking college classes as a sophomore. This was supposed to be his senior year in high school but he is in college full time and he has the credits of a sophomore. I'm surrounded by brainiacs . My best friend(besides Esther) is 16 and he's got the credits of a junior in college via online courses. But me? I barely get by. I'm a sophomore, doing sophomore work. And failing miserably at it.
I wrote the first draft of an essay today, and I turned it in. Thought the worst was behind me. But nope, I have to basically rewrite it. Somehow I managed to get a 'little' off topic. I've been studying Calvin so much recently, that my essay on restoring a Biblical legacy turned into the total depravity of man. And that would be fine if I was supposed to be writing that essay. But that's not the topic it's supposed to be on. So now I have to take my essay that sorta had two topics and fix it. And I don't see how I can do it without just starting over.
I wonder if there is such thing as a homeschool highschool drop out? Maybe I'll be the first. Because I'm just too dumb. Not that I'm allowed to drop out of school. Gotta finish so I can go to college. Not that any college will accept me. And if they will, they probably aren't worth going to. The college my dad teaches at only accepts top students. And I just don't know if my grades will cut it. But I have to get in. If I don't, well my dad might disown me. =P (not really) But if I don't get in, it will just be confirmed that I'm as retarded as I think I am.
Being this depressed is just depressing. I mean, it's been a long time since I was last suicidal. But today, I was literally trying to decide which would be the easiest, least painful way to go out: slit wrists, bullet to the brain, pills, or rope around the neck. I mean, I shouldn't even be thinking like that. But I was. I'm a Christian, I'm not supposed to get suicidal. "take pure joy in trials...." and all that. But I just sorta don't see much worth living for today. I mean, the state of the world.....it's pathetic. And heaven sounds awfully good. (For those of you that might be freaking out, just thought I'd let you know, I'm not going to really kill myself. I might think rashly, but don't generally act so rashly.) So yup, that's my life update. Hopefully I'll have a less depressing one in a few days.
6 comments:
Melody!!! Ohmyword. Okay. Can I just say I love you. I know EXACTLY how you feel. Homeschoolers are supposed to be smart. So many are like my age and doing college stuff and... I am just here. All sad and pathetic and doing just my grade--and not even that well. Ugh. But, just cause you and I might suck at math don't make us stupid. I know that for 100%. Our genius just lies elsewhere. That is all. =D I'm praying for you. I know how you feel. But I also know that you're a very smart girl. And you needn't compare yourself to your sibs, or friends, or anyone. You're the way God wants you to be, hon. I'm sure you're better at some things than all these people that you say are "smarter" than you are. ;) So wow. It has taken me ages to write this. I'm sorry for rambling at you, dear.
~Riah
Just a random note, I LOVE 'Take My Hand'!!! =D Nick introduced me to it forever ago, and I bought is and I just recently told Nick and he was all, "You like funk!" I freaked out a little. Funk sounds like a bad thing. ANYWAYS!!!
Is it despicable that I laughed aloud a few times while reading this?
I consider myself a smart person (I took quite naturally to higher mathematics, for instance), so I like to think that I know what I'm talking about when I say that intelligence is overrated.
1 Corinthians 13:1-3 shows us that any one of our more specific qualities are, on their own, useless.
By the way, I'm still working on applying to GenJ. I haven't forgotten. . . . Don't ask. XD
Riah, thanks girl! Glad to know I'm not the only one. =D No seriously, you don't know how encouraging what you said is for me. And yes, I have an awful habit of comparing myself to others. perfectionism sorta runs in the family. Thanks for the song. I can't listen to it right now since it is rather late and the family is in bed, but i will in the morning. Luv ya girl! Thanks so much!
Kerry, umm...hehe, I suppose it's not too despicable that you laughed. Though, can I know what you laughed at? =P
Perhaps intelligence is overrated, but it sure does come in handy. Thanks so much for the verses. They are a great reminder. Hopefully I can remember them next time I need them again. But then, along with unintelligence comes a terrible memory. =P Totally inherited all this from my mom. =(
About GenJ, no rush. Take your time. Hehehe, 'tis payback for me taking so long to make that post on Euthyphro's Dilemma. =P J/K
"Well, I guess it does in a round about way.....develops perseverance and all that."
"I've been studying Calvin so much recently, that my essay on restoring a Biblical legacy turned into the total depravity of man."
The first made me giggle, the second made me laugh hard. It doesn't seem that funny in retrospect. . . . Maybe it was funny for the sheer fact that I knew what you were talking about without having been forced to study it?
Okay yes, I can see the humor in those statements. They weren't meant to be funny. I was just saying what I was thinking. But eh, I guess even depression can be funny. =P Anyway, yup, thanks for the encouragement. I'm feeling loads better.
Melody! How in the world can you ever compare yourself to me? Next to you I look like an idiot. So please stop using that excuse. And another thing, how come I have to go to read your blog to find out just how depressed you are? Seriously, you are smart, and awesome! (I realize I am a little biased, you being my best friend and all, but still, it's true =D). You are always the one who when we do the same work, mom tells you how great you did and then she comes to me and says I pretty much did awful.
And the other person you compared yourself to, so what? He's really smart, of course if you compare yourself to super smart people you'll feel dumb. And as Kerry said, smarts are useless unless you have the most important thing. Love.
Do you want to be the smart geek who has no social life and doesn't even know how to interact with people? Or would you rather be someone who isn't the smartest kid, but who is still smart, but also interacts with people and brightens other peoples day?
I'm with you on the whole idea of just studying Calvin or the Greek philosophers or w/e, and writing essays instead of math. I don't like it either, but just remember, your teacher majored in math, and he's just worried you won't get into a math school. Really you aren't bad at math at all. An A average isn't bad.
One last thing, if you'd like, I'll flunk out of all my classes so I can go back to eighth grade. ;P. I mean I am the age of most ninth graders so I'm not ahead at all. Again, please don't compare yourself to me. Your awesome for who you are. If you were like anyone else you wouldn't be unique and you wouldn't be cool to hang with. Stay the way you are don't try to change yourself for anyone. I mean if your doing something Biblically wrong, its one thing. but just because your strong point isn't math, doesn't mean you are dumb.
Love ya sis
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