Okay, for starters, I just want to thank all of you for all the prayer. Still feeling very inadequate and got all my insecurities, but overall, I'm doing a lot better. So thanks much!! =)
And, because I'm just weird like that, I'm posting a poem for by birthday (shall talk about my birthday afters) This is just something I wrote that is.... well, I guess about being a women of noble character. I have to admit I kinda think about the idea of marriage a lot so this just came from me wondering if I'll ever be ready to meet a man's needs. It's based on Proverbs 31
Lemuel spoke of the wife that's a jewel
In his words in that proverb filled book.
His mother taught him to not be a fool
When for a wife he did look.
A wife of noble character is hard to find
Her husband trusts her with everything
In her all kinds of value, God did bind
Like merchant ships, food from afar she will bring
She does not sleep as long as the sun
She cares for those in need
she never stops work when what's required is done
The snow of winter she doesn't heed.
Her reward come later in her life
When her children bless her name.
Because she's such a mother and wife
Her husband will do the same.
Her beauty might turn to wrinkles and gray,
But she's praised for the Lord has her fear
Her heart's grown more lovely, since her wedding day.
So her husband treasures her dear.
This is the woman Lemuel spoke of.
To become like her is my prayer
That I'd be so worthy of a husbands love
And have a heart so fair.
Okay, so it's pretty corny, but I actually wrote that back in either December or January and decided to post it for my birthday just because that's what I do. =P
But now that you've suffered through my cheesy poetry you can suffer through my birthday rant. =P
Today started out good. I woke up and was greeted with lots of smiles and hugs. I did some girly primping which I don't always do but felt like doing today..... so my hair actually looks okay today. =P Then I got the cutest pair of shoes from Esther and Abby and a very cute pair of earrings from Beky. Then today became sorta not-so-good. I had to start volleyball today and I've never played before and since I am so bad with sports I was totally dreading it. But I went because I didn't have a choice and made a total fool of myself. Basically, the only thought that went through my head the whole time was, "I'm the only tall person here that doesn't know what she's doing!" And now my arms and hands are totally bruised up. My mom said it looks like I'm a druggie because of the way I bruised. It doesn't look pretty.
I came home and went running with Esther (Yes, me! I went running. Stop staring at me in shock like that. You'd think the idea was preposterous. Okay fine, it kinda is.) But yeah, I've got this new plan to actually get skinny so I've started running. After running I ate a little breakfast(hardly counts as breakfast since it was like 12:30 by that point) Then not too long after that I went to lunch with my mom. (yes I know, that wont help me get skinny eating two meals within and hour and a half of each other.) Then I came home and Joel was home so he gave me his gift. It was Skillet's CD, Comatose! =D=D
Then Esther and I went to the mall because I decided since it's my "sweet 16" and on top of that, my golden birthday, I should go spend some of my birthday money at the Mall. I am in desperate need of some new jeans right now so that's what I went for. BUT, the Mall doesn't believe in girls who are 5' 10.5" with all their height in their legs. And on top of that, even if I decided to just wear my jeans WAY too short, unless I go to a granny store, I'm FAR too fat. I feel like I'm the only girl on the planet that doesn't wear size 5 or smaller.
Needless to say, I'm too fat and too tall. So my trip to the mall ended in me wanting to just die. On the way home I blared my new Skillet CD hoping that it would help. It didn't!
Right now I'm sitting here fighting back tears wishing for all the world I could STOP BEING A FREAK!!!!!! Why is it I have to be the person who gets stuck with freakish height? Why can't I be 5' 2" like every other girl on the planet? I know God had some reason for making me a freak, but why couldn't he include a store that sold long jeans in that plan? I've been laughed at for wearing "high waters" before.... little to people know that I buy pants that on most people would need at least six inches cut off to make them fit. I just want to be normal. The one stinking store in the mall that sells jeans at least close to long enough for me, I can't even afford to look into. I know it's wrong to ask God why, but I've been doing that for the past two hours now.
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
"my joy has been on holiday and my peace has almost passed away"
Satan is very intelligent. He has many ways of attacking us, but once he finds the most effective one, he uses it almost solely. After all, why bother with less effective tools right? He and I both know that my greatest weakness is my view of myself.
I've always been very much a klutz. This hinders me majorly is sports. Having always been tall, it only made sense that I would try basketball. I played in 4th and 5th grade. My 6+ inch height advantage meant nothing to the coaches. My position on the team was bench warmer, because, well, there's no way around it. I stunk! But I was young enough that it didn't bother me much.
Not too long after this we started getting together with some friends weekly to play soccer. I can't tell you how many hours one of them spent attempting to teach me how to control the ball. Did I ever get better? No way! It got to the point where I simply stood next to the goal so that 1) I'd be out of the way, and 2) whoever was on my team could bounce the ball off my feet into the goal so I could at least be dong something. At least in this instance it was just a few friends getting together and not an official team I was letting down with my clumsiness.
When I got to Junior high, youth group was... well, it was torture. Though I pretended not to, I grew to dread Wednesday night. Being homeschooled, I already fa ed an extra challenge in trying to fit in. Added to that was my lack of any fashion sense what-so-ever (sure I don't dress "fashionably" even now, but I do tend to dress acceptably) The most popular person in youth group was... I guess a two-way tie between my brother Will and Cheryl a *cough* friend of his. =P Do you know what it's like to be 11 years old trying desperately to belong and you are known simply as "Will's sister"? To be expected to uphold his reputation of intelligence and bible knowledge while knowing you will never succeed in doing so? I think junior high is where you begin to truly find yourself, and what I found was an unlikable, unintelligent, untalented nobody.
From that point on Satan has had a hay-day with me. Doing everything possible to build on my insecurities, he whispers lies to me, "Nobody likes you! You have no friends! You're so ugly! You're clothes make you so dorky! Then again, it doesn't matter what you wear, you'll always look terrible! You're a failure! You never succeed! You're a mistake! You're so dumb not even God loves you! You ruin everyone's lives! People would be so much better off if you had never been born!" and on and on.....
I've heard those things for so long, most the time I believe them with all my heart. I created for myself a mask back in junior high. I wore it faithfully, lest anyone see the real me. Covering my insecurities with a fake hyperness that many people believe to be me. But recently, I've begun to fall apart. I used to have depression come and go in phases. Now, I'm pretty much always depressed. I feel like such a failure that I never feel like doing anything since I know I wont succeed in anything I do. I find myself allowing my mind to just empty/blank out and I just stare at something not realizing what I'm doing. Usually only being brought back to reality when someone asks me what's wrong. I then snap out of it and do my best to smile and say, "nothing." I feel as though I'm in the way of everyone. I contemplate suicide a lot, feeling that it will put everyone else out of the misery of knowing me. But I am still here because somewhere in the back of my mind there remains the belief that somehow, some day, I'll come out of this.
I truly believe there is some kind of spiritual battle going on and I fear that Satan is winning. I don't even know why I'm writing this. I know that all of you have far better things to do with your time than reading the mostly incoherent thoughts of a dumb teenage girl. In fact, I highly doubt any of you would even waste time reading this far so it's pointless to continue, but if by chance you are still reading, I need a lot of prayer. One time a friend asked me why I have joy in my name and not in my spirit. Well, I haven't any answer. All I know is that I want it in my spirit. So if you are still reading, would you please please pray that God would remove my hatred for myself and replace it with His joy.
I've always been very much a klutz. This hinders me majorly is sports. Having always been tall, it only made sense that I would try basketball. I played in 4th and 5th grade. My 6+ inch height advantage meant nothing to the coaches. My position on the team was bench warmer, because, well, there's no way around it. I stunk! But I was young enough that it didn't bother me much.
Not too long after this we started getting together with some friends weekly to play soccer. I can't tell you how many hours one of them spent attempting to teach me how to control the ball. Did I ever get better? No way! It got to the point where I simply stood next to the goal so that 1) I'd be out of the way, and 2) whoever was on my team could bounce the ball off my feet into the goal so I could at least be dong something. At least in this instance it was just a few friends getting together and not an official team I was letting down with my clumsiness.
When I got to Junior high, youth group was... well, it was torture. Though I pretended not to, I grew to dread Wednesday night. Being homeschooled, I already fa ed an extra challenge in trying to fit in. Added to that was my lack of any fashion sense what-so-ever (sure I don't dress "fashionably" even now, but I do tend to dress acceptably) The most popular person in youth group was... I guess a two-way tie between my brother Will and Cheryl a *cough* friend of his. =P Do you know what it's like to be 11 years old trying desperately to belong and you are known simply as "Will's sister"? To be expected to uphold his reputation of intelligence and bible knowledge while knowing you will never succeed in doing so? I think junior high is where you begin to truly find yourself, and what I found was an unlikable, unintelligent, untalented nobody.
From that point on Satan has had a hay-day with me. Doing everything possible to build on my insecurities, he whispers lies to me, "Nobody likes you! You have no friends! You're so ugly! You're clothes make you so dorky! Then again, it doesn't matter what you wear, you'll always look terrible! You're a failure! You never succeed! You're a mistake! You're so dumb not even God loves you! You ruin everyone's lives! People would be so much better off if you had never been born!" and on and on.....
I've heard those things for so long, most the time I believe them with all my heart. I created for myself a mask back in junior high. I wore it faithfully, lest anyone see the real me. Covering my insecurities with a fake hyperness that many people believe to be me. But recently, I've begun to fall apart. I used to have depression come and go in phases. Now, I'm pretty much always depressed. I feel like such a failure that I never feel like doing anything since I know I wont succeed in anything I do. I find myself allowing my mind to just empty/blank out and I just stare at something not realizing what I'm doing. Usually only being brought back to reality when someone asks me what's wrong. I then snap out of it and do my best to smile and say, "nothing." I feel as though I'm in the way of everyone. I contemplate suicide a lot, feeling that it will put everyone else out of the misery of knowing me. But I am still here because somewhere in the back of my mind there remains the belief that somehow, some day, I'll come out of this.
I truly believe there is some kind of spiritual battle going on and I fear that Satan is winning. I don't even know why I'm writing this. I know that all of you have far better things to do with your time than reading the mostly incoherent thoughts of a dumb teenage girl. In fact, I highly doubt any of you would even waste time reading this far so it's pointless to continue, but if by chance you are still reading, I need a lot of prayer. One time a friend asked me why I have joy in my name and not in my spirit. Well, I haven't any answer. All I know is that I want it in my spirit. So if you are still reading, would you please please pray that God would remove my hatred for myself and replace it with His joy.
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