The Awe inspiring God

Wow! I totally don't know where to begin. And if this post comes off as totally hyper, I'm really really sorry. I just, well, I'm totally in love with God right now. I was shown today just how much he cares about the little things. I know that I'm insignificant. In the largeness of the world, I'm nothing much. But God cares about me. Why? I have no idea. But He does and for that I am so thankful.

This past week has been the hardest of my life. I thought I lost a friend due to some jerkiness on my part. Then after working things out with that friend, there was conflict with another. And, well, I just felt as though I was ruining everyone's lives. I felt as though I was in the middle of all the turmoil that was going within me and a group of three friends. It seemed like everything I did caused something bad to happen in the group. And I was ready to just get out of it. I thought perhaps if I didn't talk to anyone anymore then everything would clear up. But that wasn't the solution.

One of these great friends always seems to know when I'm not feeling great. Don't ask me how, but it just seems like I can't even be the tiniest bit upset without this friend knowing. So he knew I was upset and asked me what was going on. After explaining how I was feeling, that I just made everything worse and should stop interacting with people, he did what he always does. He encouraged me a lot. He reminded me that I'm God's creation. And that when I think myself worthless, I'm really calling something God made worthless. It's no better than spitting in God's face.

But now that I wasn't feeling worthless, Satan decided he needed to attack someone else. So he got my friend Maddie feeling like she was unneeded. When I was trying to convince her that I loved her and she was anything but unneeded she said to me, "But... you have 'Jack' and 'Jane'. I'm just kinda... a side? =P I dunno... I'm just kinda here." (Yes, I changed the quote by changing the names.)

But God showed Himself again through a small series of events which you can read about here and here. I wont take time to talk about that here but please go read those to blog posts so you'll see just how amazing God is.

Now, what you just hopefully read was not the first amazing thing God did today. As I have been expressing in several posts, I have been feeling quite odd recently. This is all due lots or weirdness with Maddie and Esther(the authors of the two blogs above) and another friend of ours. And one thing in particular that happened was just making me act very weird. So this morning Esther told me that I should tell our mom about it. I felt weird doing so. It just seemed awkward or something. Just not the kind of thing I would normally tell my mom. But as I was telling her, I saw God's hand at work. Her response to the situation was just..... well, it was a total God thing. There is no other explanation. And you know, as hard as it was to talk to my mom about the problems I was having in my life, I feel like it brought us closer.

Wow, I'm really rambling. Sorry. When I get excited like this I sometimes can't help it. So let me just try to sum up what I'm really trying to say. I've learned a lot this past week. First, communication saves from a lot of heart ache. Second, God uses rough times to bring friends closer together. Third, God is just totally amazing!!!! Fourth, wow am I in love with God. Fifth, I'm utterly in awe. Sixth, how can anyone not see how wonderful God is? Seventh....

Okay, I guess you probably get the point. I could just go on like that for the rest of my life I think. But I'll save you the time and just leave it there. But I do have to say just one more time before I shut up and go to bed:

GOD IS AMAZING!!!!!

Apology Needed

In my previous post, I did an awful thing. I ridiculed Joel to the world. And it was not a Christian thing to do. I was upset with him, so I should have gone and talked to him. But I didn't. Instead I talked about him "behind his back". So I want to apologize. At first I was just going to apologize to him in person, but then I was thinking about it, and I decided that since I ridiculed him openly, I should also apologize in the same way. I over reacted the the whole situation and painted an inaccurate picture of Joel to all of you. And for that I also want to apologize to all my readers.

Ephesians 4:29 says "Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen."

I failed to do that. I did not build, but instead tore down. And I did not benefit those who listened.

I'm sorry.

Social Outcasts

I got another chance to realize how weird I am tonight. Orchestra rehearsal is at 6:30, but because of transportation issues I had to be dropped off at about 5:45. Now I didn't really expect anyone to be there yet so I brought a book with me. But I was wrong. There was one person there already. The base player. I'd never really talked to him before so I had no clue what he was like. But we were both standing in the hallway(the door to the rehearsal room was locked) and after a short awkward silence we started talking. And the more we talked the more comfortable I got.

I found out that he was somewhat a social outcast. When he went to Junior High, all his friends went to the other Junior high so he was friendless. And it sounded like basically he hasn't really had any friends since. He said that people think him weird so they just avoid him or at least, if they don't avoid him, they treat him like he doesn't belong. So when he asked me what school I go to, I felt totally comfortable telling him, "I'm homeschooled." Normally, I hate having to tell people that. Not because I'm ashamed of it. I love being homeschooled. It's just that, the moment I say those words, they give me a look and then stop talking to me because they don't know how to relate to me.

I told him that I kinda understood being written off as weird. Being homeschooled makes everyone think I'm just some kind of freak. Add to that the fact that I have 8 siblings and we drive around in a 12 passenger van, freak is the only word that can really describe me. But he just looked at me and said, "So just because your homeschooled, people think you're a freak?" I love when people make it clear they think that is as dumb as I do. =P

Joel showed up at a little after 6. And after this guy left to go look for someone that was supposed to be bringing his base, Joel started commenting about how weird he was. And I was so.....oh what's the word....well I just wanted to yell at Joel and tell him he's a jerk. Far too often we do call people weird: People we have NEVER talked to. But why? If you would only talk to them before giving them such a title, you might find that they are just hurting inside.

So here's what is weird about me. I'd much rather talk to a 'weird' person that most would want nothing to do with, than a popular, cool person that seems to have it all together. Not normal I know. But I guess when the person seems the weirdest on first glance, that's when they are usually hurting the most. And if someone is hurting because of being shunned for no real reason, then we have something in common. So I love talking to them. I hate feeling like I'm the only one that does NOT have it all together. So talking to others in the same boat is refreshing. And you know, maybe, just maybe, I brightened his day a little too. Maybe I showed him that someone can care to listen to his problems without judging him. And if I did, then the time I took to do so was well spent. People listen to me and my problems an awful lot. So what better thing can I do but to do the same for others.

Okay, if that made no sense what so ever, I'm very sorry. I'm extremely tired right now, and still on an emotional roller coaster so I'm kinda having trouble thinking straight.

The wonders of screaming!

I've been extremely emotional recently. Various things going on in my life have given me some ups and downs. During the last week, I've sorta come to expect myself to go from hyper to depressed, to giddy, to confused, to happy, to sad, and back to hyper again, all in a span of about five minutes. You could just say, I'm an emotional wreck. Today was no exception. I was quite happy in the afternoon, but then suddenly I got really down. Sadly, this was right before I was supposed to be going to a basketball game with Joel and Esther. So I wasn't feeling much like going. But I did.

We ended up sitting in the wrong place and were surrounded by fans of the other team. =P Now, I'm not terribly into sports so to me, it didn't matter much which team won. But since my dads a prof at the school I sorta had to root for them. And by the end I was anyway because I was quite annoyed with the other team. They did everything possible to get fouls called on the other team. And they were wimps. A few of them seriously cried just to get fouls called. Which totally irked me because I cannot stand wimpy girls. A little pain never hurt anyone so I hate when people make a big deal out of nothing. But anyway, we were surrounded by fans of the rival school and of course they were doing the typical fan thing: yelling like crazy at the refs, screaming when points were made, the whole nine yards. And they since the other team was getting on Joel's, Esther's, and my nerves, we decided to do our own screaming. Our reasoning for this was maybe not the best. We wanted to do it just to see how these loyal fans around us would react.

Perhaps this was wrong, I don't really know. But it was rather funny the first time we screamed really loud when 'our' team got a point. The lady in front of us just sorta turned around and had the most comical expression. So of course that made us just want to do it more. By the end of the game, my throat hurt from yelling/screaming so much. But slowly, throughout the game, I had started feeling better. The more I yelled, the more I felt a sense of relief. Like a huge weight of anxiety was slowly lifting. So by the end of the game I felt much better.

Then Joel wanted to go the a movie. The cheap theater in town only shows two movies at once. I don't remember now what the other was, but I know we looked it up and weren't sure it was decent. So we went to 'Bolt'. While it was sorta a dumb movie, it was just what I needed. I actually laughed while watching it. And I haven't laughed in about a week. Not a real laugh. Sure I forced a laugh a few times, but not a genuine one. In fact, I don't know if I had really even smiled genuinely this week either. So laughing felt marvelous.

And then after the movie, Joel decided he wanted to take Esther and I to go get ice cream. So to any of you that think Joel is just weird, I just want you to know, he is really very sweet. After all, what other guy do I know that would take me out for a game, a movie, and ice cream all in one night. =P He wouldn't even let Esther and me open our doors to get in or out of the car. =D He's quite a proper gentleman.

So last night I discovered that if you are feeling down, you should go scream your head off. Does wonders. =D But on a more serious note, I just want to thank God for my siblings, the best support group ever. I love you guys!

Another poem

Perhaps I'm getting lame with all my poems, but I have another. I wrote this specifically for a couple amazing friends. I know that I am not the friend I could and should be. I fail at letting my friends know often enough how much I love them. When I wrote this, I was thinking about two in particular(you know who you are) so I'm dedicating this poem to them. But it's really for all of my friends.

My friend, I love you

I want to be the best kind of friend,
Not caring at all about style or trend.
To love you for who you really are.
Not for your looks, or those of your car.

You may not be 'cool' enough to hang with that crowd.
But if you'll be my friend, I'll be ever so proud.
Because in you, I see a different cool.
For in God's hand, you're His beautiful tool.

You say that you're ugly: gross to look at.
My dear, I really must disagree with that.
The beauty of you heart shines through on your face.
Ugliness? No! Not one single trace.

The best of friends you are too me.
As good a friend, I could never be.
Because I fail, too many days,
To show you I love you, in special ways.

How much I appreciate you, I want you to know.
But what if you don't, because I fail to show?
Not often enough, do I tell you "I love you!"
And when I do, do my actions say it's true?

If I've not told you today, and that's my fear,
I love you, I love you, I love you, my dear.
But even if I've said it already today, I'll say it again,
I love you, I love you, I love you, my friend.

Valentines Day Poem

I know it's a little lame, but my post for today is just another poem I wrote for the holiday.

Love
Love is patient, love is kind
If you read your Bible I think you'll find
Love's more than sex, more than a warm fuzzy feeling
'Cause those are mostly selfish and to God that's not appealing

Love does not envy and it does not boast
Not proud or rude, doesn't seek self most
Takes work to anger love because it forgets wrongs
Love makes 'good' things more than noisy gongs

Love despises evil, but rejoices in the truth
Protects always, like Boaz did for Ruth
It always trusts, always hopes and preserves
Love never fails, no, it never disappears

To sum it all up, what is Love really like?
It's a thing to be taught while you're still a little tyke
To give up your life, in another's place
There's no greater thing, love is friendships true base

Now when you hear this most familiar of words
Remember it's more than the bees and the bird's
This holiday of love truly means much more
Christ's about sacrifice, not flowers of the door

Okay, I realize I really didn't write that, I got the majority right out of 1 Corinthians 13. All I did was add a rhyme hear and there. But my goal with this poem wasn't originality so much as it was just to remind.

Okay, I just had to do this. Esther showed me this song that I'd never heard, and it was so totally applicable to my last couple posts. So yeah, I thought I'd post the song.



Thanks Esther. Love ya sis.

God is good, and the bible rocks!

Okay, yes I realize I really should be in bed. But I was so depressed earlier I really couldn't sleep. So I've been reading the bible and praying. And let me tell you, that does wonders for depression. Now, I was reading Daniel, which seems odd I guess. I mean, I should have been reading Psalms or something. But I have been studying Daniel so I just read there. And it was just what I needed. All throughout the book of Daniel, we are shown God's power, and man's weakness and dependence on God. I really needed to see that. Seeing that God doesn't need us to be strong to work in us showed me that, God can use me for his glory. I don't have to be Einstein for God to use my life. And really, what struck me most, is that God can use us best in our weakest moments. The weaker we are, the better He can show us how much we truly rely on Him. As we get stronger, we get prideful. That's what happened to Nebuchadnezzar. He was the king of the greatest empire in the world at the time, what did he not have to be proud about? But God showed him how insignificant he really was. In the height of his power, he lost everything and became as the wild beasts. Talk about humiliating. Thanks to all you that commented here or emailed me. Your words were more encouraging than you know. God brought you all into my life and I'm so thankful for that. Between you guys, and the amazing power of God's word, I'm feeling tons better. Sure, I still don't have any kind of talent in any amazing thing, but I was created by God. He knew me before he formed me, and he carefully knit me together. He made me who I am, and in his sight, I'm beautiful. So really, what else do I need to know? Okay, sure, I still want to be smart. But until something changes, I'm going to try to be content with how God made me. Just a plain average kid with a desire to impact the world.

A small bit a depression

Math is killing me right now. I would give just about anything to be a nerdy genius. Yes, I just said I wish I was nerdy. That is a definite sign that I'm homeschooled , huh? But honestly, I don't care. Sure, nerds are not considered cool by 'cool'(aka popular) people. But hey, I've got nothing to lose. I'm already a social out cast because I'm homeschooled right?

So yes, it's weird, but I just want to be smart. I want to have something I can do well. I fail at sports, my musical talent is....meh, I don't even know how to look 'cool', so the least I could do is be smart. But no, the only thing I don't fail at, is being the world's biggest klutz.

Okay, yes, I'm extremely depressed right now. But I just finished with math for today and lets just say, Algebra II jus' ain't ma thang. I don't understand half of it. And for real, who cares what the length of each side of a cube with the same volume as a rectangular solid with sides, square root of two, square root of three, and square root of five is. I sure don't. (sixth root of thirty by the way, for anyone that actually does care. =P) But seriously, I just find it pointless. I know, I know, it's just brain exercise. But it'll be the death of any brain cells I actually do have. My brain starts feeling like mush, and then it just gets even harder to do the work. Remind me again why math is a high school requirement? =P

I wish I could just stick to easy stuff. Like, why can't I just study Calvin all day? Or write essays? Westminster Confessions is fun too. So why can't school consist of the fun stuff like that? In what way is math going to enhance my walk with God? That's what I want to know. Well, I guess it does in a round about way.....develops perseverance and all that.

But seriously, I wasn't made to be a homeschooler. Homeschoolers are smart. I mean, shoot, my younger sister(Esther) is supposed to be in eighth grade, but she is doing all the work I did last year in ninth. And my older brother(Will) was taking college classes as a sophomore. This was supposed to be his senior year in high school but he is in college full time and he has the credits of a sophomore. I'm surrounded by brainiacs . My best friend(besides Esther) is 16 and he's got the credits of a junior in college via online courses. But me? I barely get by. I'm a sophomore, doing sophomore work. And failing miserably at it.

I wrote the first draft of an essay today, and I turned it in. Thought the worst was behind me. But nope, I have to basically rewrite it. Somehow I managed to get a 'little' off topic. I've been studying Calvin so much recently, that my essay on restoring a Biblical legacy turned into the total depravity of man. And that would be fine if I was supposed to be writing that essay. But that's not the topic it's supposed to be on. So now I have to take my essay that sorta had two topics and fix it. And I don't see how I can do it without just starting over.

I wonder if there is such thing as a homeschool highschool drop out? Maybe I'll be the first. Because I'm just too dumb. Not that I'm allowed to drop out of school. Gotta finish so I can go to college. Not that any college will accept me. And if they will, they probably aren't worth going to. The college my dad teaches at only accepts top students. And I just don't know if my grades will cut it. But I have to get in. If I don't, well my dad might disown me. =P (not really) But if I don't get in, it will just be confirmed that I'm as retarded as I think I am.

Being this depressed is just depressing. I mean, it's been a long time since I was last suicidal. But today, I was literally trying to decide which would be the easiest, least painful way to go out: slit wrists, bullet to the brain, pills, or rope around the neck. I mean, I shouldn't even be thinking like that. But I was. I'm a Christian, I'm not supposed to get suicidal. "take pure joy in trials...." and all that. But I just sorta don't see much worth living for today. I mean, the state of the world.....it's pathetic. And heaven sounds awfully good. (For those of you that might be freaking out, just thought I'd let you know, I'm not going to really kill myself. I might think rashly, but don't generally act so rashly.) So yup, that's my life update. Hopefully I'll have a less depressing one in a few days.

For The Ladies - KJ-52

Okay, this is the first time I've posted a video on my blog. But I heard this song today for the first time and some of the words really stuck out. So I just wanted to share and comment on them.

Alright, I don't care I wanna say this on the mic
Right now right here in the place it's ladies night
I know I might just sound crazy right
There's some things thats goin down and its time to make it right
The world will tell you you gotta be a certain type, look a certain way,
And just be a certain size
Do what they say and it'll just be "alright"
Girl the only thing you gotta be doin is servin Christ
6 years ago I was blessed with a wife
She was sweet and lovely and beautiful and nice
But the one thing that just made her my type
Was the fact that Christ was #1 up in her life
So take my advice
Forget them Hollywood stars, and them Hollywood hair
And them Hollywood cars
Next time you thinkin' that you ain't up to par
Remember God made you beautiful just the way you are

This right here is something I really truly struggle with. I always compare myself to other people. I feel like, because I am not that 'certain type', don't look that 'certain way', and I'm most definitely not that 'certain size', I don't measure up.

In a discussion on the GenJ forum, about Hannah Montana(yes I know, weird topic. As I recall, we were discussing whether Christians should watch her show....or something like that) her looks were brought up and how she looked much prettier without her 'yellow' wig. And at some point in the discussion I said, "If I was actually pretty, I wouldn't change it for the world."

Then a guy friend said something that, well, I don't know how to describe it, but I'd not really heard this said before and I can't really explain how it made me feel, but it just made me feel sorta good.
He said, "Wait, if you were pretty you wouldn't change it for the world? Pretty by whose standards? Someone like Miley Cycrus whom the world considers beautiful, yet squanders her "talent" and body is nowhere near as "pretty" to me as a Christian girl who may not be that appealing to the eyes but is actually devoted to preserving her purity and using her talents to serve God and further his kingdom."

It really wowed me. I don't know how else to describe how I felt. Just that I was wowed. I think it might have even made me tear up a little. Which I know, is really weird and I don't know why. It just did.

Anyway, all I really intended to say was, girls, listen what he said, God made you beautiful (even if you don't always, or never, feel like it). And keep focusing on God. The closer you are to God, the more beautiful you will become on the inside, and that is what counts in God's eyes anyway.

Sick of BET, sick of MTV,
I'm sick of the sex that they always used to selling me
I'm sick of the messed up images they showin me
Im sick and tired of the messes that they say to me
That women are nothing more than sexual property
It's time we come back to treatin women properly
So what I gotta say, I'll say it real loudly
We oughta be treatin' all women like royalty
Only God should be speakin what you gotta be
Only God can give you the love you gonna need
Ladies, if a guy won't treat you as you ought to be
Tell him goodbye, show him the door, and where to leave
Don't be afraid just to tell a guy to wait for me
Don't be ashamed just to live your life in purity
See what I say, I just say it now with certainty
That God has so much more if you'll wait and see

This verse is the one that truly stuck out more than the rest. How true it is. We woman are nothing more than sexual property in the eyes of worldly men. We have allowed ourselves to be objectified, and I'm sorry, but it's partially our own faults. We don't do anything to stop it, so it goes on. Now, I don't really agree with what he said completely in the next few lines. Guys should not have to treat us like royalty. Because, well we aren't royalty so why should they treat us like we are? But listen to the man! I don't care what the dude says, DO NOT give up your purity. Love is patient! That means he can wait until AFTER he says "I do." God's got a whole lot more waiting for you than the guy that says he just can't wait.

On a final note I wanna dedicate this song
To all the godly women that just keep on seeking God
Just keep on movin and continue standin strong
Keep doin what you doin girl you got it goin on
And the single moms thats just barely holdin on
And you're workin two jobs tryin to make it on your own
No one is home cause the kid's dad is gone
God promises to never ever leave you alone
The final thing that I'll say then I'm gone
To the female singers tryin to get their pose on
Now I ain't tryin to be a hata but wrong is just wrong
Now Britney and J-Lo, please put some clothes on!
Whether yall are red-headed or just a blonde
Make sure that the Son is the one you focus on
And with that said, I'm gonna say "so long"
So get your hand up in the air, ladies, and sing along


For this verse, I'm just going to comment on the last part. I think it applies to more than just singers. Girls, if you want guys to respect you, give them something to respect. Do what he said and put some clothes on. Christian men should not get the same stumbling blocks from their sisters in Christ as they do from unsaved girls. How can we tell them, "Uh-uh, you gotta wait to get my body." And then turn around and show them just enough to make them want it more? So yeah, you want their respect, be respectable.

Excitement....maybe odd!!!

This past Saturday we drove up to Fort Wayne, IN to visit my sister and brother-in-law. They recently moved into their first house. So for the first time they had enough room for us to spend the night. And let me tell you, finding room to put up nine people for the night is not exactly an easy task. But Rachel, being the amazing house keeper that she is, figured out sleeping arrangements marvelously.

But enough about the house and on to the part I really care about. =P Rachel is pregnant and when they were here at Christmas she still wasn't showing really. So I just could not wait to see her. And as I knew she would be, she was SO cute. Okay, maybe this is just one more odd thing about me, but I think pregnant woman that aren't terribly big, but are definitely showing are very very cute. My mom says it's a girl thing, I don't know. But it probably helps with Rachel that she's my sister. She was just cute, that's all I know!

I'm just so excited about getting another nephew/niece. I love babies to death. And Benjamin is growing up so fast. He really isn't a baby anymore. :( He's still the sweetest little kid ever, but I'm totally excited about the new baby. I've said it before and I know I'll say it again, babies are the most precious miracles God ever made.