Satan is very intelligent. He has many ways of attacking us, but once he finds the most effective one, he uses it almost solely. After all, why bother with less effective tools right? He and I both know that my greatest weakness is my view of myself.
I've always been very much a klutz. This hinders me majorly is sports. Having always been tall, it only made sense that I would try basketball. I played in 4th and 5th grade. My 6+ inch height advantage meant nothing to the coaches. My position on the team was bench warmer, because, well, there's no way around it. I stunk! But I was young enough that it didn't bother me much.
Not too long after this we started getting together with some friends weekly to play soccer. I can't tell you how many hours one of them spent attempting to teach me how to control the ball. Did I ever get better? No way! It got to the point where I simply stood next to the goal so that 1) I'd be out of the way, and 2) whoever was on my team could bounce the ball off my feet into the goal so I could at least be dong something. At least in this instance it was just a few friends getting together and not an official team I was letting down with my clumsiness.
When I got to Junior high, youth group was... well, it was torture. Though I pretended not to, I grew to dread Wednesday night. Being homeschooled, I already fa ed an extra challenge in trying to fit in. Added to that was my lack of any fashion sense what-so-ever (sure I don't dress "fashionably" even now, but I do tend to dress acceptably) The most popular person in youth group was... I guess a two-way tie between my brother Will and Cheryl a *cough* friend of his. =P Do you know what it's like to be 11 years old trying desperately to belong and you are known simply as "Will's sister"? To be expected to uphold his reputation of intelligence and bible knowledge while knowing you will never succeed in doing so? I think junior high is where you begin to truly find yourself, and what I found was an unlikable, unintelligent, untalented nobody.
From that point on Satan has had a hay-day with me. Doing everything possible to build on my insecurities, he whispers lies to me, "Nobody likes you! You have no friends! You're so ugly! You're clothes make you so dorky! Then again, it doesn't matter what you wear, you'll always look terrible! You're a failure! You never succeed! You're a mistake! You're so dumb not even God loves you! You ruin everyone's lives! People would be so much better off if you had never been born!" and on and on.....
I've heard those things for so long, most the time I believe them with all my heart. I created for myself a mask back in junior high. I wore it faithfully, lest anyone see the real me. Covering my insecurities with a fake hyperness that many people believe to be me. But recently, I've begun to fall apart. I used to have depression come and go in phases. Now, I'm pretty much always depressed. I feel like such a failure that I never feel like doing anything since I know I wont succeed in anything I do. I find myself allowing my mind to just empty/blank out and I just stare at something not realizing what I'm doing. Usually only being brought back to reality when someone asks me what's wrong. I then snap out of it and do my best to smile and say, "nothing." I feel as though I'm in the way of everyone. I contemplate suicide a lot, feeling that it will put everyone else out of the misery of knowing me. But I am still here because somewhere in the back of my mind there remains the belief that somehow, some day, I'll come out of this.
I truly believe there is some kind of spiritual battle going on and I fear that Satan is winning. I don't even know why I'm writing this. I know that all of you have far better things to do with your time than reading the mostly incoherent thoughts of a dumb teenage girl. In fact, I highly doubt any of you would even waste time reading this far so it's pointless to continue, but if by chance you are still reading, I need a lot of prayer. One time a friend asked me why I have joy in my name and not in my spirit. Well, I haven't any answer. All I know is that I want it in my spirit. So if you are still reading, would you please please pray that God would remove my hatred for myself and replace it with His joy.
8 comments:
Melody, I will be praying (yes I read the whole way) We need to find a time to talk..
My word, Melody. I hadn't a clue. I'm echoing Bri here, talk. Soon. I know what you mean about feeling worthless. I had the same problem when I was your age, and I can't say it's gone away. But there is hope around the corner, and just let me state for the record that I have always been highly impressed with your verbal skills for a girl of your age. ;)
Just want you to know that I love you. I know I'm your sister and I'm "supposed" to love you, but it's true anyway. I remember feeling a lot of what you are describing when I was younger and I want you to know that I'm going to battle in prayer for you. God has a purpose for you, even if it doesn't feel like it right now. Someone once said that if you seek the Lord with all your being, you can't miss that purpose. Keep on seeking and I'll keep on praying.
Hello Melly!
Do you know what? I've always felt the same way! On every single one of those points, that is how I have felt. I've always been "Spencer's sister". I know that is always hard. =/ But not only that, I've always been the dork. I look dorky, I act dorky, I sound dorky, and I'm super clumsy. But I've mostly gotten over it. My point is, is even if we *are* all of those, we can't just wade in self pity. I admit myself that I'm the biggest self pitier this side of the universe. We can't hold on to the thoughts that we're worthless. We are wonderful in God's sight. Girl, you were created by God, for God's glory. And just because you feel like a nobody doesn't mean you're a nobody. You are a somebody. You are a masterpiece. And Satan is trying to make you feel like you're a rotting piece of trash that was thrown out into the dump. But Satan is telling you lies. He is sooo subtle, and he creeps in, and then throws a net over you, and you feel trapped. If you've read Pilgrim's Progress, you know the only way to get out of the net is to call for help. I can't give you that help. Only Christ can. And I hope and pray that you will cry out to Him, and He will give you that freedom. Trust in Him, and you will have freedom. Read your Bible and pray. Pray hard. Pray with sincerity. God can and *will* help you.
Love you girly!!
~Maddie
Awww Mel...
I'm praying for you girl. It wasn't until a few years back that I had any real joy in my life. I know what it's like to want it though.
I love you sooo very much and pray that you will find the joy of our Savior. You are such a beautiful girl and have so many talents...Hang in there. =)
~Cinda
Hey Mel. Please know that whenever I talk to you, it brightens my day. No, I'm not saying that just cause you are depressed (although I do want you to be happy). You will be in my prayers. =)
Oh BTW, I can't play soccer for the life of me either. I have learned this though, don't step on the ball. =P
I really wish I could have read this a bit sooner. I'm preparing for a trip to China, and I've been trying to eliminate distractions.
For what it's worth (and I can't see how it would be worth very much since I can't truly say I know you but for the tidbits you express in your blog), you have earned my deepest respect. My heart burns for you. I know what it is to know that no one understands you. I know what it is to function on a different level than the rest of the world. And I know what it is smile on the outside only. Take it from someone who understands.
Lately I've been thinking a lot about why we care about such trivial things. Why should I care what other people think of my awkward little mannerisms? Do these things really matter to God? Surely not, so why should I care? Furhter, why should I care what other people think? Will they be the ones who say either, "Well done, good and faithful servant," or "I never knew you?" Those things preoccupied my thoughts only yesterday.
Right about that time, I received an few letters for me from my supporters back home. One from my grandmother, one from my best friend's mother, and one from my own mother. It was the first time I can remember either one of my parents explicitly encouraging my spiritual development, and it meant the world to me. It was like God was showing me that I didn't need to worry about being loved. I AM loved. I had to go off on my own and cry for a few minutes.
Melody, I will be praying for you. Pray for our efforts in China, and we'll call it even. =)
HI Melody,
I am so sorry I havn't had a chance to email or comment recently but I have been reading. I would love to share some things from my own life with you that might encourage you. It would take a long time to tell you everything so I'll try to email you again.
I'm not sure if I have your email anymore so if you would like to get back in touch could you send it to me. I'll be praying for you, your sister, your family, your youth group, i don't take prayer lightly. I hope to hear from you soon.
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