"I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh"

I just turned 17 on Wednesday and I was thinking about something. Almost every year for as long as I remember, someone has asked me on my birthday if I feel any different. Every year my answer was the same. I felt exactly the same as I did the year before. It felt almost like I never got any older. This is probably the first year nobody asked me. And this year, things were different.

I don't really know if I can put it into words, but I'm going to try. This year has just been so amazing! God has made some huge changes in me and I feel like a totally different person than I was last year. Addison Road has a song called What Do I Know of Holy. The second verse says,

I guess I thought that I had figured you out.
I knew all the stories, and I'd learned to talk about
How you were mighty to save.
But those were only empty words on a page.
Then I caught a glimpse of who you might be.
The slightest hint of you brought me down to my knees.

That is the best summer of my life up to this year when things started changing. Growing up in a Christian home I was well versed in how to talk spiritually. I could debate theology until I was blue in the face. But when it really came down to it, it meant nothing to me. I believed all of it. But I guess I never made that belief personal. I knew how to appear holy enough to belong in church and I was considered one of the good kids. But church was honestly nothing more than a ritual. And the saddest part was, I was so blind. I had absolutely no idea there was anything more. People talked about a relationship with God. I thought I had one. But it wasn't that great. I talked to Him when I thought about it but He never seemed to talk back. There was no intimacy. But I didn't know things could be different.

I see now how off my focus was. I tried to have it all together. I tried to live right so that even if I wasn't perfect I was better than most people. I knew God didn't ask me to be perfect. But I still wanted to be as good as possible. I tried to know my bible inside and out so that Sunday School teachers always knew that there would be one hand raised among the blank stares. I did everything I could to fit the stereotype for Christians. I... I... I... yikes! I feel stupid just thinking about how stupid I was. =P But looking back I can also see glimpses of hope. Places where God was working to soften my heart. To prepare me for this year; to prepare me for the last five months.

I think January is when he started some major reconstruction of my heart(Ezekiel 36:26). I was at a somewhat intense retreat. There were only 11 people there. We fasted and spent some serious one on one time with God and it was the first time I really hear God speak to me. What He said was so simple, but it was so amazing.

"I love you!"

Most of you are probably thinking, "Duh! Why is that so significant? Didn't you already know that?" Yes, I knew that God so loved the world that He gave His only son. But that's so impersonal. I've always struggled with major insecurities. I've always believed myself to be insignificant. In fact, if asked to describe myself in two words I'd definitely have said 'ugly' and 'worthless'. So I knew God loved the world. I even sort of thought He might love me as an individual. But at the pinnacle of my insecurities, sitting in a room alone, listening to Unbreakable by Fireflight, I heard Him speak three simple words that brought tears to my eyes and wings to my soul.

That was the beginning. The beginning of me knowing the reality of God's love. The beginning of learning to appreciate who God made me to be. And the beginning of an intimate relationship with my Maker. Whatever my past relationship with Him, it was not intimate.

"Taste and see that the Lord is good" -Psalm 34:8

After tasting his goodness, I honestly don't know how I survived life before. Intimacy with God is so... well, there is no word for it. Over the past five months He has taken me on a journey to show me the different levels of intimacy that are possible. That day in January, I knew Him as my Creator. Then He showed me what it meant to be a friend of God. No friend on earth can compare. He is indeed my best friend. I no longer say that because it's the churchy thing to say. He truly is my best friend!

Later he revealed himself to me as Father, Abba, Daddy. The daddy whose lap I can always crawl into just to feel His strong arms around me. Or to cry on His shoulder. I can always go to Him with my concerns, sorrows, and joys because even though he owns the cattle on a thousand hills, he's no workaholic. He ALWAYS has time for his little girl.

The last way he has revealed Himself to me is probably the one I'd least expected. I had never understood the analogy of the church being the bride of Christ. It was one of those things I accepted because I grew up hearing it but it never made sense. But WOW! God has revealed himself to me as my lover. I know, it sounds almost wrong to write that. But this is really important. See, for so long, I've looked to guys to give me a sense of worth. I longed for male attention. I craved love. I was never really content though. I wasn't satisfied by the male attention I got because satisfaction comes from Christ alone.

I had made the decision when I was 12ish to not date until I graduated high school. Technically it was a family rule anyway, but I made the choice myself as well. But I hated being single. I felt so alone. I wanted to know that someone loved me and I was pretty sure I would at least feel like someone did if I had a boyfriend. But, being the good little church girl that I was, dating was not for me.

But as God showed me who He is as the bridegroom, the lover, the romancer, things changed. I've stopped longing to be lobed because I know I already am loved. I no longer feel alone because I feel His presence so strongly in my life. For the first time in years I am totally content in singleness. I am satisfied in His love. His love is all I need. It is utterly intoxicating.

So for the first time in my life I have had a birthday and have felt entirely different from how I felt on any previous birthdays. I feel the intensity of God's love. I can now see myself through His eyes. And as I grow to know Him more in an intimate personal way, I grow to know myself as He created me to be.

"I've got this passion
It's something I can't describe
It's so electric
It's like I've just come alive
I feel this freedom
Now that my past is erased
I feel the healing
I've found the meaning of grace"
What I've Overcome ~Fireflight